Why Do I Blog???

I haven't written anything recently, as you can tell. But I haven't been writing in my journal or anything. I'm not exactly sure what the reason is because I've been going through a lot. God has been changing my perspective on life... a lot.

I think I like writing about what I'm going through and what I'm thinking because it feels like in the movies when the main character is doing an inner monologue. I guess I like the idea of writing what I'm thinking and feeling and showing people my world.

So maybe lately I haven't wanted to share what I am going through or something. It's not like I'm depressed and I don't want anyone to know, it's just... maybe I don't know how to talk about what I'm going through. I know what's happening, I know what this process is from hearing what other, more experienced Christians have gone through in their own personal walk with God.

Though I'm still not ready to write it all down. I will sometime soon when things have been sifted through enough. The whole purpose for my blog really isn't for myself. My inner monologue is enough for just me to listen to, but I want to blog for someone who's curious about what others go through, wondering how to get through something, or just knowing there is someone who can relate to what they're going through. That's the reason. Because even though at Dibor we are required to blog once a week, if I had no other reason to do it then my blog would be simply about something I did that week and how I felt about it. No reflections, no transparency, nothing of substance.

So I hope you respond to my blogs, whoever is reading it. 'Cause what's the point in a blog if no one reads it, right? And if I'm writing stuff that doesn't make sense or is confusing then what am I doing? Just taking up space on the internet. So I hope this does something for you ^_^

Confessions of A Fatherless Child

Authority is suppose to be a word we use for certain people and something we are suppose to "respect" but to me it's something that allows certain people to command me to do something and if I choose not to do what they say I am punished. A person in authority is no different to me than any other except that there are bigger consequences if I do not follow what that person wants.

Honestly, it means nothing else to me.

For some reason there is this expectation that we should listen and obey the ones that someone says is in charge but yet no really follows through with completely. Have you done everything your boss has told you to do? Have you complained about what the current president has done or hasn't done? Have you ever gone over the speed limit? Even by half a mile?

We defy authority all the time. Our country was built on people that defied their authority and our nation's youth have grabbed a hold of that for every part of their lives. Why do people do their jobs then? Why do they still go to work and do what their boss tells them to do even when they don't want to? You ask anyone who has a job that they work because they need the money for something. Otherwise they wouldn't be there. No one would listen to their boss if they didn't have to worry about getting fired.

For most of the people I've seen, the reasons for following authority are lies and wishful thinking. The older people do it because they've been taught since they were young. Now, we do it so we can get what we want in the end. Otherwise we leave. And the people in authority give a bunch of reasons because if we didn't believe them then no one would do what they want.

Am I wrong about this? Perhaps. I know the bible disagrees. But this is what the fatherless generation has been left to. You slack on your job as a parent or in your position of authority and this is what you get. You screw up your job then the very people you were suppose to teach and guide will rebel against you and not listen to a word you say. People complain that the youth are out of control, but who taught them? Who left them to figure it out on their own? Because God is in my life I will probably get through this but there is a whole world of people out there that think like this and have no reason to believe otherwise.

God Just Created Me This Way!

Today I was driving with Mike back to the dorms and he loves to listen to Christopher Hopper's band so that's what we were listening to. We were singing "Heaven Meets Earth" and I had a thought. Not pertaining too much to what the song was saying but something I had thought about a few times.

Maybe I should explain the context first and then my thought because in my mind it makes total sense but what is the point in a blog if only I can understand it? So anyway, I analyze a lot. I have probably analyzed most of my world, thoughts, and experiences. I mean I observe and analyze emotions and thoughts while I am still having them, when most people will think about it after the fact.

So a few times I have analyzed the way I think and how could I think the way I do if God didn't make me this way? I mean I don't think that brilliant ideas that come from my head have nothing to do with God. I would have to work a lot harder to get these ideas. Remembering many experiences, going over things I have seen and heard, then taking out of those things what I need and then putting them all together, it wouldn't make sense for me to have a random good idea that only took a second to form when it should take hours of hard concentration to work through all the files stored in my head and decide with the right amount of wisdom what I need.

To sum it up, I can't really create anything without God's help.

So then as I was singing "heaven meets earth" I was looking over the problems I've had in my life and I was going to go into a rant I've thrown at God many times and say "God why didn't you put better models in my life of who you are and what your kingdom looks like." That's sort of how it starts.

But this time as I started yelling, I (or maybe it was God) was like "Adele, that's right, you shouldn't be this way. Look at how your life was growing up. You shouldn't be as smart as you are. Look at all the wisdom you've received without all the experience most people have to go through to know what you know. You've been to China. God wants you to go to Japan. With your life, this wouldn't be your future. God has invested a lot in you. Look at what he's given you and the way he is leading you into his plans. You are blessed. He's been preparing you, training you, molding you, and he's invested a lot into you."

It's a pretty awesome thing when you actually understand this. All my life people have said these things are a blessing and such but I think I've been too familiar with them and I've wanted blessings others have had. It's kind of like a 6 year old who's given an iPhone. They have no idea what the cost of that iPhone is or what it took to get the money to buy it. They can't appreciate all the things that can be accessed and used in an iPhone.

I am not a 6 year old in this area of understanding my blessings. I am a 20 year old that has continued to see my blessings through the eyes and understanding of a 6 year old.

I had a great time with God yesterday. For the first time I was open enough to have a conversation with him. Usually I rant about things or just say "what do you want to tell me" and then just listen to the silence. But, at least for now, God talked kind of like he was a second "me". Like when I would say "I don't understand this" and I would sort of hear myself give me an explanation or I would see a picture that would explain it to me. Normally,I would think this was me counseling or teaching myself but I see now that it has been God this whole time. Even though I don't hear a voice that sounds like a man in my head I know that it is God speaking to me in a way that I can easily understand and not get weirded out, 'cause if I did have a man's voice in my head I might start thinking I was schizophrenic and not think it was God.

One cool thing is that when I talk to someone and they are responding to me I start thinking of what I want to say next or I stop talking and then continue what I also want to say in my head. But with God I am talking to him in my head already. So I can't ask him something and then start thinking something else while I am waiting for him to respond. It was sort of a comical moment.

So I have learned to hear God in this one way. I know that when I think of things that take all of 2 seconds to think of most of the time it is God, not me. It is God giving me that piece of wisdom or that random idea.

Maybe I should rename my blog to something that has to do with a daughter getting to know her father. I probably won't because it might cause confusion if someone is trying to find my blog and they don't know the name is changed. Plus, it'd probably get complicated so I will keep it this way.

P.S
Thank you to all the people who have been reading my blog and really thank you for the people who have commented. I write these things to share with you and it is so cool to hear your responses. It's really encouraging, otherwise I feel like I am just talking to a wall, LOL ^_^

Lima, My Home Away From Home...... In A Way

So we are in Lima for the Saturate conference at Elim Gospel Church. I love the conference but the thing that is affecting me a lot is being around where all the Campus Target people are. It makes me miss China more and it makes me really miss the community I had with CT'ers in China. I want to be in China so bad right now. I got to see little Maia!! She's so adorable! I don't know if I have ever met a baby that I connected with so fast before.I just look in her eyes and I want to be her friend when she's older. I want to know who she is and what she thinks. It's funny to see a baby one time and think about it like that.

Note to the Devil

To Satan:

Why did you do this to me? What did a nine year old ever do to you that you had to reject her and make her feel like she has to fight for herself everyday of her life?

Every morning I wake up and wish that I was still asleep. I hate either what I have to do that day or hate that I feel that what I am doing has no purpose. Either way, when faced with a new day I want it to end before it begins.

I have great attributes but you told me I am lame and that I am annoying. And I believed you. You've tainted my view on everything that, I have come to learn, was suppose to be good for me. I can't trust anyone or anything. Love is something that sucks the life out of you and doesn't look back. Authority uses its power to make itself feel better. No one is here for me.

These are the things you have drummed into my head and beaten my heart with. You have poisoned me with this mantra since I was a small, defenseless child that had no choice but to believe you. And I hate what you have done to me.

Now, I have to spend the rest of my life fighting these thoughts and feelings that should not have been dumped into a child. You piss me off, you make me pissed at myself, you make me pissed off at people who have done nothing to deserve anger towards them, you make me pissed at people I need to be loving.

You hate me. You hate the one that created us. But how could you think you could be better than Him when HE made you and all of this and all you can do is destroy? I hate what you have done to us, I hate what you've done to me.

I can't understand your thinking. Even if you went based on solid logic there is no way you can achieve your desired goal. That alone would make anyone back off. You are evil and you have done horrible things to my brothers and sisters and the rest of the world.

Why? Why would you do this? Are you so bent on hurting God that this doesn't affect you? That the reality of what you are doing doesn't reach you? Do you not have a heart? A conscious?

Maybe you are like this because you have never experienced God's love. Would that make a difference? I realize God has made us differently so the way you function is not the same as us humans. But I know that who God is is not deniable.I may have been writing this out of ignorance but I know that what the bible has said who God is more than you will ever be. You will not be able to stop His will. I can not relate to you because I am loved by Him. I wish there was something I could do or say to you that would make you stop what you are doing. I wish you had a heart I could have compassion on but I don't know if you have a heart or if there is anything to have compassion on in you.

I am sorry you decided this. And if by some way you wanted to change I would be the first to want to be there for it, because Jesus or God would have to do it because I would not be strong enough. I am not doing this for any reason than that God made me this way. I don't want anyone to be left out. God made you and I don't think you were made for this purpose, just like I wasn't made to live in unbelief, loneliness, and separation from Him.

So think about it. Go and have a chat with God.I know you've done it because you talked to Him about Job.

Sincerely Not Yours but Abba's,
Adele

Job Search: Complete

So when I came here I needed a job to pay for my tuition. I was starting to get stressed about it. And I talked to God and said, "If you want me here you will make sure I get what I need to stay here."

The next day Christopher Hopper told me about this lady who has a jewelry line that is taking off and she needs some helpers. BAM! One job.

Then the day after I got the job at the jewelry place, the store at the mall that I had been trying to get a job at called and asked if I would come in and start working. BAM! Two jobs!!

It's pretty amazing how God works when you realize you've never been able to do it and you put it in His hands.

A Revelation from Russel Crowe

Today I watched A Beautiful Mind starring Russel Crowe, who by the way is an incredible actor. The character in this movie is like a math genius but his mind starts to get messed up and he starts to see people who aren't there. And so after he realizes that there is this little girl he keeps seeing, that he thinks exists, he starts to notice she doesn't get older, she looks exactly the same way he had seen her several years ago. So in his attempt to be "normal" he ignores the people, he has come to find out, do not exist. Even years and years after he has started to ignore them they are still there.

So what does this have to do with anything? What does this have to do with Dibor?

Well, aren't these people that were created in this man's mind similar to the Enemy? He feeds us lies that God doesn't like us and that we are capable of nothing. Doesn't he set up these false ideas in our heads that aren't true and are not reality? And even when we try to ignore these illusions they are still there.

But like the character I choose to live without acknowledging that the Enemy's illusions are reality. Will you join me?

But before we start ignoring them first we need to identify what is reality and what are lies.

I am a daughter of God. He loves me and nothing I do will make Him stop or be disappointed in me. I am an heir to God's kingdom and I have the same authority Jesus has.

Sin has no control or power over me. I am living a life of victory, not in condemnation.

So what do I not listen to? What do I regard as falsity?

When that voice in your head says "You did it again! You have to be better than that. What are they going to think of you now? Don't tell them, you have to pretend you are better than you are because all they are going to do is rip into you. No one accepts you for who you are. You have to pretend to make it through."

You have to tell yourself "No! God is the ultimate authority and he knows everything I have done wrong and accepts me anyway. He still says "you are precious to me and I want you to love me." You are not a prince/princess that cowers at the same ones you have the power to rule over.

That is what I learned today. I would love to be able to talk more about this, because I have had such a hard time with this. But I don't know where you are and I don't know what's been holding you down. But I do know that even if you don't know if God loves you right now or what He thinks, I know He is saying "Trust me. Just trust me." Forget about the ands ifs or buts and choose to trust because that is the only way to accept love when you've been hurt, when you've been let down.

Just Trust.

I knew the only way to get closer was to trust God and give him control.

But I didn't want to. I don't want to release control to anybody else, because then how will I know I'm protected? Who will cover me when I am attacked?

So I started getting pissed. Getting pissed at the authority around me. Getting pissed when they told me to do something. When someone treated me in a way I didn't feel like I deserved, I got pissed. Everything in me wanted to lash out at every little thing I disliked. I wanted to rebel against the very things I came here to do.

Finally, I got enough strength to talk to God and admit that I've been wrong. I just asked him to comfort me and to protect me from the enemy. I needed time to just work through what I needed to do and to be open to God and I did NOT need the enemy to be pouring lies in my head.

And all I heard from God was "Trust me. Trust." When I don't want to do something or I feel uncomfortable doing something God wants me to trust him. Just trust him.So that is what is going to motivate me.

Lately, I've been doing things out of fear. I don't want to do something but I do it so I don't get in trouble or get in an argument, and possibly get into more trouble. But instead of doing everything out of fear I will do it as an act of trust.

I will trust that God wants me to do it and that I will not be hurt by it. I will trust Him.

Kingdom Culture

This isn't going to explain or describe as much as I want to so I might write about this again (more expand more on it)

So the past couple of days Pastor Christopher has been talking to us about kingdom culture. Living God's kingdom culture here on earth.

Today when I was running could feel he enemy trying to attack me. Making me wonder if I got hurt would I have to stop running (which I really wanted to do) but then I thought "well it doesn't matter if I got hurt because God is powerful enough to heal it" and so I kept having thoughts of ways to get out of P.T, or even just running, and everything I came up with I realized God could heal it, stop it, or whatever. At first I was like "Uhhh! There's no biblical way to get out of this unless I don't want to have confidence in God!"

So I was fighting off all these mental attacks from the enemy and I actually started running faster than I normally do. My legs didn't ache or become tired.

Love the Way You Lie

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

When I heard this song I wondered why it felt so comforting. I didn't like the idea that I'd rather have pain mixed with love. Why did I feel better with pain when I was made to love God and to be loved back? Why can't I trust his perfect love?

So I wrote this to myself in hopes of realizing why I was like this:

"You have love and pain messed up. You are comfortable when you feel pain because it is familiar. But love is foreign territory and you don't know how to react. Because love doesn't force itself on you, you push it away. But you glance over to see if it will come back. It went away like you told it to and now you're upset because you are alone.

"You like the pain because it forces its way in. You feel like the whole world avoids you, ignores you, doesn't want to see inside you but pain hits you deep inside. Pain finds your vulnerable parts. So the only way you can accept love is if it causes you pain. You need the pain to go straight through your defenses and then you want love to embrace you."

I was trying to understand, why do I want to push away God's perfect love and go after a love that abuses me? Because I've been hurt, I put up walls. Pain is the only thing that forces itself past those walls and into the core of me. When I am presented with love it scares me. I wonder 'Why don't you just push your way in?' Love is patient. Love doesn't come in unless it is invited. Love waits patiently, gently reminding you that it is there waiting for you to ask for it.

One time, it was explained to me that God is a gentleman. He won't force himself or his desires onto you. He waits for you. With a lack of that in our lives, we look to the other examples (family, friends, movies) set before us and go after what is familiar. But if we lived in a pile of poop it doesn't mean that we should continue to go to that pile when presented with a comfortable,clean place to live. It doesn't make any sense.

You were made to be loved by a perfect love. God made us for that purpose. And he wants you to love him back.

Last Wednesday

We had a class on discipleship and then the next day was on the holy spirit. I told God to have all of me and that I want to completely trust him, and i knew that meant being open for speaking in tongues. So when Pen Clark was talking about being open for the spirit and different experiences he's had with people that opened up completely to God and the HS I knew that is what I wanted. So Mr. Pen asked me what was wrong (because I had just prayed to God and told him I wanted to give him everything and so i was starting to cry) and i told him that I wanted to give God everything, he prayed with me and wanted me to speak in tongues.

I felt stupid at first because when he was asking me to say whatever came to my mind the word seemed stupid and i didn't quite understand. But he walked me through it gently. So I started speaking that word and then he asked me if there was another. And i was so mad because I knew that i was only getting 2 words because that was how much i was opening up and i was mad that that was as far as i would go. and the second word didn't sound like it went with the first so i felt stupid. And it felt stupid saying words you have no idea what they mean. And then i felt more stupid because i had told God i trusted him and i wanted everything he had for me and then i was pushing it away. So i felt like a jerk saying one thing and then going back on what i said.

But at one point Mr. Pen said that i didn't value myself or something. And that struck a chord. And he just starting speaking all these things that i feel about myself. that i am too hard on myself. And i just started crying. It was the first time i cried that loud in front of people in such a long time. It was some what liberating. And i felt every time that i breathed in i was receiving God's love. It was a new beginning.

I have a new start with God. And the one thing I know to be true, especially after this experience, is that He is a gentleman. He would never force me to trust Him or to open myself up to something that I didn't want to. He never forces me to open up, even if it is for my own good. I never really thought I would speak in tongues (like for a prayer language) but God waited. He showed me through other people what it is really for and he waited until I wanted it. I still felt weird about tongues but I wanted to know God more, experience Him and His love more, and I wanted everything He had for me. And God waited until I understood it and wanted it. That is love. ^_^

My Plea For Acceptance

Dear People I Want Affirmation From,

I'm sorry that I failed you. I'm sorry for not coming through on my role as a person. If only I had realized that when I said that it would not make you happy. If I hadn't have acted like that maybe we could've been friends. Maybe you would like me then. Maybe I could be the person you want as your best friend or the person you run to for help. But no,I have offended you. I wish I could please you. Can't you see how hard I try for you? That even a matter you have forgotten about I agonize over. Can't you see how much I care about you. I care if you are hurting and I want you to share with me all that you thinking and feeling.

I'm sorry I made that joke. I only said it because I thought you wanted me to say something like that. I thought that was how we got along. But no,I misunderstood and now you are mad at me. But if I didn't joke like that you would've said I was boring. I don't want to bore you. I want every interaction you have with me to be intriguing. I want to be the center of your attention.

I crave your attention! Please see it and give me affirmation!! When you ignore me or give a two word response, what am I suppose to think? Have you forgotten about our last encounter or are you mad at me so much you won't even look at me or am I so insignificant to you that you don't acknowledge my presence because that would waster your valuable time and effort?

^_^ You joked with me and smiled! All is right in the world again. Maybe I wasn't as worthless as I thought. Maybe you like me again.

Notice me,
Adele

[These are the things I think and feel on a regular basis with the people around me. I don't want to have this mindset anymore. I am a daughter of God and I am not meant to base my worth on the opinions of anyone but God. But it is hard to remember this.]

21 Days So Far.....

So other than being mad and then a new revelation of God's love, what have I been doing??

Well, yesterday we had a class about evangelism and today we held signs on the side of busy street corners. The signs said things like "I am praying for your finances" and "I am praying for your marriage." I had 2 bad comments but all the other reactions from people were thumbs up and "thank you"s. I was holding the sign that said "We are praying for your marriage" I had a few people ask if it included gay marriages. I shrugged and said it says "marriage". I just prayed that God would work in whatever way He wants in those marriages and that those couples would turn to Him. We even got on a news website here: http://newzjunky.com/news/0924square_signs.htm

The last couple of days we had classes on discipleship and the Holy Spirit. The speaker talked about how apprenticeships worked in the old days if you wanted to learn a trade or something. He said that as an apprentice you would do as the master did, which is kind of like now if we want to be like a disciple of Jesus.

I Want to Be a Free Bonsai Tree

God is showing me that I stay inside the lines. And he doesn't want me to. I see a mold of what I am suppose to be or do that I am suppose to fill. I try to fill it. But I never break free. I always twist and bend to the molds people set before me. I don't want to be contained by lines and walls and molds.

God,
Show me how to break free of these molds. Cut the wires from this bonsai tree (if you would like to know what I mean please follow this link: http://elf-in-asia.blogspot.com/2010/07/bonsai.html) I want to grow the way you made me. Not by the wires tying me down to conform to anything but what you want me to be.

Why Do I Reject Love?

When I boil down all my problems it always comes to the same thing. I won't accept love. When something's going crazy and I'm freaking out it is because I don't trust God, I don't trust God because I don't believe he loves me. When I feel alone and I try to get myself to remember all the love that has been shown to me I reject and push it away. Why? Why do I push away the very thing I want???

Why do i reject love? I want it badly. I long for it but why do I reject it when it is offered? Do I want to be tough that badly? Maybe I'm not sure if I give into it I will be a let down. I guess I'm worried that I will wake up on the ground and then find that I'm being yelled at to get up, stand on my own two feet and that this desire I had for love wasn't reality and I was a fool for falling for it. Maybe I'm afraid that if I seek it, it will be gone. Maybe if I allow myself to open up I will be told that I am annoying and unwanted the way I am.

My biggest fear is opening up completely and being rejected.

Everything I Want To Say......

Everything I want to say I keep locked inside me. All the things I want to yell, to scream, to throw at someone, I keep them all packed inside hoping it doesn't explode. I can feel the tension rising inside of me. Every day that I am tired, every time I am corrected, I feel my patience running thin. I'm so tired mentally and physically I can't fight my thoughts. I've been battling what I want to do, which is argue (anytime I have to do something that I didn't expect I would have to do), and what I know God would want me to do.

"I don't want to start working, we have 15 more minutes to relax. But I am going to say "ok",and perhaps I will say it with a smile if I stop the feelings of anger before they come. If I say "no" or "how come?" they will tell me because it is what I am here for. If I refuse I will probably get a strike, once you get 3 you do early P.T, or they might skip the 1,2,3 and go straight to early P.T."

Today I was remembering a book a read. It was talking about love and obedience being cause and effect. And where we get messed up is when we make obedience the cause and love the effect but it just cause a dysfunctional relationship and we will bag the whole thing. But it also doesn't mean that when we "feel" loved then we obey. Because love is not a feeling. It is faith, which rarely involves feelings. (so far I've paraphrased the book but now I'm going to directly quote it) "Love is action, it's deciding something is true and living out of that belief. Again, it comes back to the cross to see God loves us. We obey because He loves us. But I will be honest with you, Don, when I say obey, that is going to be difficult without reading Scriptures, because in the Scriptures He tells us who He is and in many ways how to live. Scripture says it this way, in Proverbs 16:3 'If a person commits his works to the Lord, his thoughts will be established.'"

Sorry if this one is a bit depressing or wtv. I'm just trying to express what I am going through, good or bad. Perhaps I will later write about how God uses this for His glory, I don't know.

Cleaning Out My Pride

Cleaning. I hate cleaning. I hate to clean my room, the bathroom, my dishes I use, the floor and sometimes I will go a day or two without taking a shower just because I don't want to exert the energy to take one.

And guess what I have to do everyday? Just guess. Yeah, clean. I have to keep everything in my room clean and looking neat and orderly, otherwise it gets thrown in a pile in the middle of the floor by one of the leaders at Dibor. And in years past, students, at 10 at night, have had to take everything, literally, that was not nailed into the walls or floors outside, clean everything, and then put it all back. Also we have chores to do. This week, I have had to clean the bathroom. Then later in the day I end up cleaning or organizing something at the church. I come home and anything I take out and use I have to keep clean and neat. Because the leader that checks our dorm could come at anytime during the day. So everyday I clean out of fear, not because of the desire to have my environment clean.

Now, as stupid as this sounds it is wearing on me. I have not had this much structure in my life before. And you say "Well everyone has to learn this." Yes, and that is great. I appreciate the long term effects this will have on my life but the real problem is this nagging "Why do I have to do this? I shouldn't have to be made to do this if I don't want to do it." A.k.a my pride.

I am not a "morning person" so in the morning I am not feeling much of anything. Other than during P.T when I am felling the pain of sore muscles. But when lunch rolls around and we have to start doing things at the church and I am at the mercy of the people working there. It drives me nuts. I get sooo frustrated! They tell me what they want me to do and I have to do it. If I don't I may have to do something worse that I don't like, I may have to sit down with a leader and discuss why I am not doing the work. Whatever the consequence is I don't want to have to pay to come to a school and then get punished for something I didn't do that I had said I would do when I signed up. So I do it. I hate being told what to do but I know it is just pride. I don't want to be told what to do because I believe I am smart enough to figure out what is important enough for my awesome abilities o be used correctly. I believe that I am too important to be talked to like a mindless worker. Why don't they think of how I feel about organizing paint cans and sweeping floors that haven't been swept in months? Don't they care that it hurts me that I am being told to do it instead of being asked??

So I reflect on these things I am feeling and I am mad at my selfishness. What I want to be has no room for pride or selfishness but my heart wants it. I want to be number one in my world. I want to be lifted high for my accomplishments and the things I can do. I want to tell the leaders who SHOULD be in charge here. And again I am saying "me, me, me, I, I, I, I, I, me, me, me, me" Again I am thinking about myself. Look again I wrote "I". I can't get away from it. The more I notice it the more I realize I am consumed with myself. All I think about ALL day is how to benefit myself. I clean so I won't get in trouble. I help someone because I don't want to be asked, "Why didn't you help with that?" I clean so my stuff wont end up dumped in the middle of the floor. I spend time with people because I don't want to be left out. I don't want to be alone. And every time that I see someone that is struggling with something I do not struggle with or use to, I look down on them. I think, "Wow, they really aren't getting the picture are they??" But as you can clearly see from the paragraphs above, I don't get the picture. I want to keep these blurry glasses on that keep me from seeing what's really going on.

I hate how I am. I hate that I let sin control me and that I am okay with it. But in less than 2 minutes from now I will not change my perspective and feel okay about it. Because being selfish is more comfortable than thinking of others first. Of thinking of God first.

Sometimes when I worship, and I am very aware of my selfishness, and I say "I give you my heart, I give you everything. I love you above everything else." but I know I am lying. Because I know I love me more than I love God. I believe I can control my life better than He can.

But I know that God loves me a lot. That when I am being ridiculous and think I can measure up to Him, He still loves me, more than I know! Today when I was experiencing this exact thing I was getting mad at my arrogance and pride but I was so frustrated because I didn't know how to change it. He showed me how my insecurity stems from it. That I have not received the love I needed or wanted so I turned to toughness than to love. I tried to callous my pain with being "strong" and "tough."

God also showed me how even now I push away love. I am ok with showing affection like hugging and expressing my affection in words (which is a HUGE improvement from last year) but not really accepting love. I smile and thank someone when they say something nice about me or do something for me. And I have to mentally tell myself that this is that person's way of showing me love right now.

Subtotal- pride + me = BAD, Total- God=awesomeness (even without me)

The Hike, Not Up the Mountain

We were told we were going hiking. 'Yeah, big deal' I thought. I've played soccer for several years and I've gone walking in the woods and at Nelson Ledges. It won't be very hard. The one thing I wasn't expecting was rain. It was a light sprinkle but there was mud puddles everywhere. I only brought one pair of shoes. One white pair I bought in China that I didn't want to dirty. So the majority of my focus,energy, and time was on dodging puddles. Sometimes it took up the entire path so I had to awkwardly step up the tiny dry spots next to trees while I grabbed their branches to keep my balance.

By the end of the hike we had gone 12 miles. All my muscles ached and I had almost no energy. And the worst part about all of this.....we didn't even get to the mountain!! All that hiking and we hadn't even climbed up the mountain yet. The hike was to get TO the mountain.

I didn't like that the hike wasn't even on the mountain. But I thought it was a lot like God We can spend all that time and energy but we never climbed the mountain. In our lives we could start the Christian walk and go through all these things with God and their is still a whole mountain of who God is that we still don't know about or could comprehend.

One thing I noticed about when you are hiking is that nobody cares about what they or other people look like. You can't put up a facade. If you try to look nice you just get sweaty and dirty. If you try to act strong or that you know about hiking when you don't, it will come out. You eventually get to the point where you only have energy to do what you need to do, to continue walking and you have no energy to spend on making yourself look better.

Pastor Christopher told us to think about what a mountain top experience is and what it would take to live on a mountain. When you hike and you forget everything but climbing the mountain. You put off everything that hinders your progress, extra weight or things back in normal, everyday life. To have a mountain to experience back in civilization you must retain that focus and not letting extra weight slow or stop your progress.

We have a mountain top experience when everything in our world is about God. No one else, nothing else. Suddenly, eating, sleeping, caring about what others think about us is irrelevant. Nothing matters but knowing God and seeking after Him. And to maintain that, when we need to go back to civilization, we need to keep that desire for only knowing Him. We go back to school, to work, our friends and we have the same attitude about things like we had on the mountain. It is all useless and a waste of my energy to care about these things.

Day 1

The alarm buzzed at 5:40 a.m and the sun was not even up yet. The Dibor students and their leaders stepped out into the cold air wishing they had put on something warmer. The thought of running at six in the morning was not appealing. After the workout the group slowly entered the dorms to eat breakfast and prepare for the day ahead of them. Then, they started chores. Each person, including the leaders, had a designated area to clean. While still shaking of sleep they started their personal devotions, or individual bible time.

And that is our morning everyday.

We headed over to the church and instead of our lesson we watched "The Passion of Christ." Needless to say I cried a lot. After lunch we took a 5 minute drive to help a family pack their stuff to move to a new house. And finally some rest time!! Ah it was wonderful to have unplanned activity. I was able to write some emails and I listened to Cory Asbury's "My Beloved." Despite the title it is much like a rock song.

Later that day we went back to the church for youth group The service was awesome! I wanted to surrender everything I hold onto in this world all so I could have Him. Tears began to roll down my face. This was what I was made for. This is what my soul desired. As I was just thinking about the music I imagined God standing in front of me and then wrapping His arms around me like a father. The tears swelled up and poured from my eyes.

Even with all this emotional-ness going on I kept getting distracted. My mind would wander to other things. When I realized what I was doing I became frustrated with myself. I yelled to God "Why is it the I have chosen you and I am still fighting? Why do I have to continue to be distracted when I know that you are the one that I want? I don't want to be this way! I don't want these feelings of pride, or fear, or insecurity. I don't want it. Why do I have to live this way that is contrary to what I want and what I was made for? I don't want to live here. Not if I have to live it like this."

So it was a little temper-tantrum. I know God still has plans for me on this earth. I think at that point in time I was realizing how much I wanted God but that it was going to be a bigger fight for it than I had thought.

But the encouraging thing about this is that I want God more than ever.

What is Dibor??

What is Dibor? That is a good question.

This program (or school) I am enrolled in teaches young Christians to develop and pursue the life that God has called for each of us. By learning and living out what it means to be a Christian we can reach the lost in our world.

So why Dibor? Well, I want to be a long-term missionary in Japan but I want to be more mature in my faith before I go and do that. I realized this past year when I went to China that I can not explain certain aspects of God if I don't understand them myself, especially about His love for me. I believe that giving everything for God is essential to live as someone who says they believe in God and follows Him.

This blog is for me to write down my thoughts and experiences while I am here. I would love for people to read and see what Dibor is. I have a hard time explaining things in detail. You won't really know what I mean when I say challenging unless I show you what I've done or that I am much closer to God if you don't know how He's affected my life.

So enjoy and respond if you would like. I hope it makes you laugh, makes you tear up, and hopefully challenges you to pursue for more of God.

Thanks,
Adele