Everything I want to say I keep locked inside me. All the things I want to yell, to scream, to throw at someone, I keep them all packed inside hoping it doesn't explode. I can feel the tension rising inside of me. Every day that I am tired, every time I am corrected, I feel my patience running thin. I'm so tired mentally and physically I can't fight my thoughts. I've been battling what I want to do, which is argue (anytime I have to do something that I didn't expect I would have to do), and what I know God would want me to do.
"I don't want to start working, we have 15 more minutes to relax. But I am going to say "ok",and perhaps I will say it with a smile if I stop the feelings of anger before they come. If I say "no" or "how come?" they will tell me because it is what I am here for. If I refuse I will probably get a strike, once you get 3 you do early P.T, or they might skip the 1,2,3 and go straight to early P.T."
Today I was remembering a book a read. It was talking about love and obedience being cause and effect. And where we get messed up is when we make obedience the cause and love the effect but it just cause a dysfunctional relationship and we will bag the whole thing. But it also doesn't mean that when we "feel" loved then we obey. Because love is not a feeling. It is faith, which rarely involves feelings. (so far I've paraphrased the book but now I'm going to directly quote it) "Love is action, it's deciding something is true and living out of that belief. Again, it comes back to the cross to see God loves us. We obey because He loves us. But I will be honest with you, Don, when I say obey, that is going to be difficult without reading Scriptures, because in the Scriptures He tells us who He is and in many ways how to live. Scripture says it this way, in Proverbs 16:3 'If a person commits his works to the Lord, his thoughts will be established.'"
Sorry if this one is a bit depressing or wtv. I'm just trying to express what I am going through, good or bad. Perhaps I will later write about how God uses this for His glory, I don't know.
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