Cleaning Out My Pride

Cleaning. I hate cleaning. I hate to clean my room, the bathroom, my dishes I use, the floor and sometimes I will go a day or two without taking a shower just because I don't want to exert the energy to take one.

And guess what I have to do everyday? Just guess. Yeah, clean. I have to keep everything in my room clean and looking neat and orderly, otherwise it gets thrown in a pile in the middle of the floor by one of the leaders at Dibor. And in years past, students, at 10 at night, have had to take everything, literally, that was not nailed into the walls or floors outside, clean everything, and then put it all back. Also we have chores to do. This week, I have had to clean the bathroom. Then later in the day I end up cleaning or organizing something at the church. I come home and anything I take out and use I have to keep clean and neat. Because the leader that checks our dorm could come at anytime during the day. So everyday I clean out of fear, not because of the desire to have my environment clean.

Now, as stupid as this sounds it is wearing on me. I have not had this much structure in my life before. And you say "Well everyone has to learn this." Yes, and that is great. I appreciate the long term effects this will have on my life but the real problem is this nagging "Why do I have to do this? I shouldn't have to be made to do this if I don't want to do it." A.k.a my pride.

I am not a "morning person" so in the morning I am not feeling much of anything. Other than during P.T when I am felling the pain of sore muscles. But when lunch rolls around and we have to start doing things at the church and I am at the mercy of the people working there. It drives me nuts. I get sooo frustrated! They tell me what they want me to do and I have to do it. If I don't I may have to do something worse that I don't like, I may have to sit down with a leader and discuss why I am not doing the work. Whatever the consequence is I don't want to have to pay to come to a school and then get punished for something I didn't do that I had said I would do when I signed up. So I do it. I hate being told what to do but I know it is just pride. I don't want to be told what to do because I believe I am smart enough to figure out what is important enough for my awesome abilities o be used correctly. I believe that I am too important to be talked to like a mindless worker. Why don't they think of how I feel about organizing paint cans and sweeping floors that haven't been swept in months? Don't they care that it hurts me that I am being told to do it instead of being asked??

So I reflect on these things I am feeling and I am mad at my selfishness. What I want to be has no room for pride or selfishness but my heart wants it. I want to be number one in my world. I want to be lifted high for my accomplishments and the things I can do. I want to tell the leaders who SHOULD be in charge here. And again I am saying "me, me, me, I, I, I, I, I, me, me, me, me" Again I am thinking about myself. Look again I wrote "I". I can't get away from it. The more I notice it the more I realize I am consumed with myself. All I think about ALL day is how to benefit myself. I clean so I won't get in trouble. I help someone because I don't want to be asked, "Why didn't you help with that?" I clean so my stuff wont end up dumped in the middle of the floor. I spend time with people because I don't want to be left out. I don't want to be alone. And every time that I see someone that is struggling with something I do not struggle with or use to, I look down on them. I think, "Wow, they really aren't getting the picture are they??" But as you can clearly see from the paragraphs above, I don't get the picture. I want to keep these blurry glasses on that keep me from seeing what's really going on.

I hate how I am. I hate that I let sin control me and that I am okay with it. But in less than 2 minutes from now I will not change my perspective and feel okay about it. Because being selfish is more comfortable than thinking of others first. Of thinking of God first.

Sometimes when I worship, and I am very aware of my selfishness, and I say "I give you my heart, I give you everything. I love you above everything else." but I know I am lying. Because I know I love me more than I love God. I believe I can control my life better than He can.

But I know that God loves me a lot. That when I am being ridiculous and think I can measure up to Him, He still loves me, more than I know! Today when I was experiencing this exact thing I was getting mad at my arrogance and pride but I was so frustrated because I didn't know how to change it. He showed me how my insecurity stems from it. That I have not received the love I needed or wanted so I turned to toughness than to love. I tried to callous my pain with being "strong" and "tough."

God also showed me how even now I push away love. I am ok with showing affection like hugging and expressing my affection in words (which is a HUGE improvement from last year) but not really accepting love. I smile and thank someone when they say something nice about me or do something for me. And I have to mentally tell myself that this is that person's way of showing me love right now.

Subtotal- pride + me = BAD, Total- God=awesomeness (even without me)