Day 1

The alarm buzzed at 5:40 a.m and the sun was not even up yet. The Dibor students and their leaders stepped out into the cold air wishing they had put on something warmer. The thought of running at six in the morning was not appealing. After the workout the group slowly entered the dorms to eat breakfast and prepare for the day ahead of them. Then, they started chores. Each person, including the leaders, had a designated area to clean. While still shaking of sleep they started their personal devotions, or individual bible time.

And that is our morning everyday.

We headed over to the church and instead of our lesson we watched "The Passion of Christ." Needless to say I cried a lot. After lunch we took a 5 minute drive to help a family pack their stuff to move to a new house. And finally some rest time!! Ah it was wonderful to have unplanned activity. I was able to write some emails and I listened to Cory Asbury's "My Beloved." Despite the title it is much like a rock song.

Later that day we went back to the church for youth group The service was awesome! I wanted to surrender everything I hold onto in this world all so I could have Him. Tears began to roll down my face. This was what I was made for. This is what my soul desired. As I was just thinking about the music I imagined God standing in front of me and then wrapping His arms around me like a father. The tears swelled up and poured from my eyes.

Even with all this emotional-ness going on I kept getting distracted. My mind would wander to other things. When I realized what I was doing I became frustrated with myself. I yelled to God "Why is it the I have chosen you and I am still fighting? Why do I have to continue to be distracted when I know that you are the one that I want? I don't want to be this way! I don't want these feelings of pride, or fear, or insecurity. I don't want it. Why do I have to live this way that is contrary to what I want and what I was made for? I don't want to live here. Not if I have to live it like this."

So it was a little temper-tantrum. I know God still has plans for me on this earth. I think at that point in time I was realizing how much I wanted God but that it was going to be a bigger fight for it than I had thought.

But the encouraging thing about this is that I want God more than ever.