We had a class on discipleship and then the next day was on the holy spirit. I told God to have all of me and that I want to completely trust him, and i knew that meant being open for speaking in tongues. So when Pen Clark was talking about being open for the spirit and different experiences he's had with people that opened up completely to God and the HS I knew that is what I wanted. So Mr. Pen asked me what was wrong (because I had just prayed to God and told him I wanted to give him everything and so i was starting to cry) and i told him that I wanted to give God everything, he prayed with me and wanted me to speak in tongues.
I felt stupid at first because when he was asking me to say whatever came to my mind the word seemed stupid and i didn't quite understand. But he walked me through it gently. So I started speaking that word and then he asked me if there was another. And i was so mad because I knew that i was only getting 2 words because that was how much i was opening up and i was mad that that was as far as i would go. and the second word didn't sound like it went with the first so i felt stupid. And it felt stupid saying words you have no idea what they mean. And then i felt more stupid because i had told God i trusted him and i wanted everything he had for me and then i was pushing it away. So i felt like a jerk saying one thing and then going back on what i said.
But at one point Mr. Pen said that i didn't value myself or something. And that struck a chord. And he just starting speaking all these things that i feel about myself. that i am too hard on myself. And i just started crying. It was the first time i cried that loud in front of people in such a long time. It was some what liberating. And i felt every time that i breathed in i was receiving God's love. It was a new beginning.
I have a new start with God. And the one thing I know to be true, especially after this experience, is that He is a gentleman. He would never force me to trust Him or to open myself up to something that I didn't want to. He never forces me to open up, even if it is for my own good. I never really thought I would speak in tongues (like for a prayer language) but God waited. He showed me through other people what it is really for and he waited until I wanted it. I still felt weird about tongues but I wanted to know God more, experience Him and His love more, and I wanted everything He had for me. And God waited until I understood it and wanted it. That is love. ^_^
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