Last Wednesday

We had a class on discipleship and then the next day was on the holy spirit. I told God to have all of me and that I want to completely trust him, and i knew that meant being open for speaking in tongues. So when Pen Clark was talking about being open for the spirit and different experiences he's had with people that opened up completely to God and the HS I knew that is what I wanted. So Mr. Pen asked me what was wrong (because I had just prayed to God and told him I wanted to give him everything and so i was starting to cry) and i told him that I wanted to give God everything, he prayed with me and wanted me to speak in tongues.

I felt stupid at first because when he was asking me to say whatever came to my mind the word seemed stupid and i didn't quite understand. But he walked me through it gently. So I started speaking that word and then he asked me if there was another. And i was so mad because I knew that i was only getting 2 words because that was how much i was opening up and i was mad that that was as far as i would go. and the second word didn't sound like it went with the first so i felt stupid. And it felt stupid saying words you have no idea what they mean. And then i felt more stupid because i had told God i trusted him and i wanted everything he had for me and then i was pushing it away. So i felt like a jerk saying one thing and then going back on what i said.

But at one point Mr. Pen said that i didn't value myself or something. And that struck a chord. And he just starting speaking all these things that i feel about myself. that i am too hard on myself. And i just started crying. It was the first time i cried that loud in front of people in such a long time. It was some what liberating. And i felt every time that i breathed in i was receiving God's love. It was a new beginning.

I have a new start with God. And the one thing I know to be true, especially after this experience, is that He is a gentleman. He would never force me to trust Him or to open myself up to something that I didn't want to. He never forces me to open up, even if it is for my own good. I never really thought I would speak in tongues (like for a prayer language) but God waited. He showed me through other people what it is really for and he waited until I wanted it. I still felt weird about tongues but I wanted to know God more, experience Him and His love more, and I wanted everything He had for me. And God waited until I understood it and wanted it. That is love. ^_^

My Plea For Acceptance

Dear People I Want Affirmation From,

I'm sorry that I failed you. I'm sorry for not coming through on my role as a person. If only I had realized that when I said that it would not make you happy. If I hadn't have acted like that maybe we could've been friends. Maybe you would like me then. Maybe I could be the person you want as your best friend or the person you run to for help. But no,I have offended you. I wish I could please you. Can't you see how hard I try for you? That even a matter you have forgotten about I agonize over. Can't you see how much I care about you. I care if you are hurting and I want you to share with me all that you thinking and feeling.

I'm sorry I made that joke. I only said it because I thought you wanted me to say something like that. I thought that was how we got along. But no,I misunderstood and now you are mad at me. But if I didn't joke like that you would've said I was boring. I don't want to bore you. I want every interaction you have with me to be intriguing. I want to be the center of your attention.

I crave your attention! Please see it and give me affirmation!! When you ignore me or give a two word response, what am I suppose to think? Have you forgotten about our last encounter or are you mad at me so much you won't even look at me or am I so insignificant to you that you don't acknowledge my presence because that would waster your valuable time and effort?

^_^ You joked with me and smiled! All is right in the world again. Maybe I wasn't as worthless as I thought. Maybe you like me again.

Notice me,
Adele

[These are the things I think and feel on a regular basis with the people around me. I don't want to have this mindset anymore. I am a daughter of God and I am not meant to base my worth on the opinions of anyone but God. But it is hard to remember this.]

21 Days So Far.....

So other than being mad and then a new revelation of God's love, what have I been doing??

Well, yesterday we had a class about evangelism and today we held signs on the side of busy street corners. The signs said things like "I am praying for your finances" and "I am praying for your marriage." I had 2 bad comments but all the other reactions from people were thumbs up and "thank you"s. I was holding the sign that said "We are praying for your marriage" I had a few people ask if it included gay marriages. I shrugged and said it says "marriage". I just prayed that God would work in whatever way He wants in those marriages and that those couples would turn to Him. We even got on a news website here: http://newzjunky.com/news/0924square_signs.htm

The last couple of days we had classes on discipleship and the Holy Spirit. The speaker talked about how apprenticeships worked in the old days if you wanted to learn a trade or something. He said that as an apprentice you would do as the master did, which is kind of like now if we want to be like a disciple of Jesus.

I Want to Be a Free Bonsai Tree

God is showing me that I stay inside the lines. And he doesn't want me to. I see a mold of what I am suppose to be or do that I am suppose to fill. I try to fill it. But I never break free. I always twist and bend to the molds people set before me. I don't want to be contained by lines and walls and molds.

God,
Show me how to break free of these molds. Cut the wires from this bonsai tree (if you would like to know what I mean please follow this link: http://elf-in-asia.blogspot.com/2010/07/bonsai.html) I want to grow the way you made me. Not by the wires tying me down to conform to anything but what you want me to be.

Why Do I Reject Love?

When I boil down all my problems it always comes to the same thing. I won't accept love. When something's going crazy and I'm freaking out it is because I don't trust God, I don't trust God because I don't believe he loves me. When I feel alone and I try to get myself to remember all the love that has been shown to me I reject and push it away. Why? Why do I push away the very thing I want???

Why do i reject love? I want it badly. I long for it but why do I reject it when it is offered? Do I want to be tough that badly? Maybe I'm not sure if I give into it I will be a let down. I guess I'm worried that I will wake up on the ground and then find that I'm being yelled at to get up, stand on my own two feet and that this desire I had for love wasn't reality and I was a fool for falling for it. Maybe I'm afraid that if I seek it, it will be gone. Maybe if I allow myself to open up I will be told that I am annoying and unwanted the way I am.

My biggest fear is opening up completely and being rejected.

Everything I Want To Say......

Everything I want to say I keep locked inside me. All the things I want to yell, to scream, to throw at someone, I keep them all packed inside hoping it doesn't explode. I can feel the tension rising inside of me. Every day that I am tired, every time I am corrected, I feel my patience running thin. I'm so tired mentally and physically I can't fight my thoughts. I've been battling what I want to do, which is argue (anytime I have to do something that I didn't expect I would have to do), and what I know God would want me to do.

"I don't want to start working, we have 15 more minutes to relax. But I am going to say "ok",and perhaps I will say it with a smile if I stop the feelings of anger before they come. If I say "no" or "how come?" they will tell me because it is what I am here for. If I refuse I will probably get a strike, once you get 3 you do early P.T, or they might skip the 1,2,3 and go straight to early P.T."

Today I was remembering a book a read. It was talking about love and obedience being cause and effect. And where we get messed up is when we make obedience the cause and love the effect but it just cause a dysfunctional relationship and we will bag the whole thing. But it also doesn't mean that when we "feel" loved then we obey. Because love is not a feeling. It is faith, which rarely involves feelings. (so far I've paraphrased the book but now I'm going to directly quote it) "Love is action, it's deciding something is true and living out of that belief. Again, it comes back to the cross to see God loves us. We obey because He loves us. But I will be honest with you, Don, when I say obey, that is going to be difficult without reading Scriptures, because in the Scriptures He tells us who He is and in many ways how to live. Scripture says it this way, in Proverbs 16:3 'If a person commits his works to the Lord, his thoughts will be established.'"

Sorry if this one is a bit depressing or wtv. I'm just trying to express what I am going through, good or bad. Perhaps I will later write about how God uses this for His glory, I don't know.

Cleaning Out My Pride

Cleaning. I hate cleaning. I hate to clean my room, the bathroom, my dishes I use, the floor and sometimes I will go a day or two without taking a shower just because I don't want to exert the energy to take one.

And guess what I have to do everyday? Just guess. Yeah, clean. I have to keep everything in my room clean and looking neat and orderly, otherwise it gets thrown in a pile in the middle of the floor by one of the leaders at Dibor. And in years past, students, at 10 at night, have had to take everything, literally, that was not nailed into the walls or floors outside, clean everything, and then put it all back. Also we have chores to do. This week, I have had to clean the bathroom. Then later in the day I end up cleaning or organizing something at the church. I come home and anything I take out and use I have to keep clean and neat. Because the leader that checks our dorm could come at anytime during the day. So everyday I clean out of fear, not because of the desire to have my environment clean.

Now, as stupid as this sounds it is wearing on me. I have not had this much structure in my life before. And you say "Well everyone has to learn this." Yes, and that is great. I appreciate the long term effects this will have on my life but the real problem is this nagging "Why do I have to do this? I shouldn't have to be made to do this if I don't want to do it." A.k.a my pride.

I am not a "morning person" so in the morning I am not feeling much of anything. Other than during P.T when I am felling the pain of sore muscles. But when lunch rolls around and we have to start doing things at the church and I am at the mercy of the people working there. It drives me nuts. I get sooo frustrated! They tell me what they want me to do and I have to do it. If I don't I may have to do something worse that I don't like, I may have to sit down with a leader and discuss why I am not doing the work. Whatever the consequence is I don't want to have to pay to come to a school and then get punished for something I didn't do that I had said I would do when I signed up. So I do it. I hate being told what to do but I know it is just pride. I don't want to be told what to do because I believe I am smart enough to figure out what is important enough for my awesome abilities o be used correctly. I believe that I am too important to be talked to like a mindless worker. Why don't they think of how I feel about organizing paint cans and sweeping floors that haven't been swept in months? Don't they care that it hurts me that I am being told to do it instead of being asked??

So I reflect on these things I am feeling and I am mad at my selfishness. What I want to be has no room for pride or selfishness but my heart wants it. I want to be number one in my world. I want to be lifted high for my accomplishments and the things I can do. I want to tell the leaders who SHOULD be in charge here. And again I am saying "me, me, me, I, I, I, I, I, me, me, me, me" Again I am thinking about myself. Look again I wrote "I". I can't get away from it. The more I notice it the more I realize I am consumed with myself. All I think about ALL day is how to benefit myself. I clean so I won't get in trouble. I help someone because I don't want to be asked, "Why didn't you help with that?" I clean so my stuff wont end up dumped in the middle of the floor. I spend time with people because I don't want to be left out. I don't want to be alone. And every time that I see someone that is struggling with something I do not struggle with or use to, I look down on them. I think, "Wow, they really aren't getting the picture are they??" But as you can clearly see from the paragraphs above, I don't get the picture. I want to keep these blurry glasses on that keep me from seeing what's really going on.

I hate how I am. I hate that I let sin control me and that I am okay with it. But in less than 2 minutes from now I will not change my perspective and feel okay about it. Because being selfish is more comfortable than thinking of others first. Of thinking of God first.

Sometimes when I worship, and I am very aware of my selfishness, and I say "I give you my heart, I give you everything. I love you above everything else." but I know I am lying. Because I know I love me more than I love God. I believe I can control my life better than He can.

But I know that God loves me a lot. That when I am being ridiculous and think I can measure up to Him, He still loves me, more than I know! Today when I was experiencing this exact thing I was getting mad at my arrogance and pride but I was so frustrated because I didn't know how to change it. He showed me how my insecurity stems from it. That I have not received the love I needed or wanted so I turned to toughness than to love. I tried to callous my pain with being "strong" and "tough."

God also showed me how even now I push away love. I am ok with showing affection like hugging and expressing my affection in words (which is a HUGE improvement from last year) but not really accepting love. I smile and thank someone when they say something nice about me or do something for me. And I have to mentally tell myself that this is that person's way of showing me love right now.

Subtotal- pride + me = BAD, Total- God=awesomeness (even without me)