The End

So Dibor is over. Thank God!!

I tell everyone who asks how it was I say "It was the worst experience of my life but the best experience of my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything."

I am so grateful for everything God did this year. Everyone he used to help me become who I am today.

And who am I today? How am I different?

I am Adele who learned how much God loves me. Jesus is crazy about me and I have only begun to discover the tip of the iceberg of his love.

My thoughts about Dibor, the program? Basically I believe every Christian should go through the program. Especially anyone who wants to go into ministry NEEDS to do a program like this that stretches you like it does. If you can't do Dibor you can't handle ministry. You can't. You will get burnt out and bitter. (And I'm not saying Dibor is the only program or that you even need a program to be ready for ministry. But God isn't gonna just throw you into whatever ministry just the way you are. He's gotta make a spiritual eunuch out of us, or we'll think saving people and helping them out is all about us and what WE're doing.)

I'm only saying this from personal experience. Looking back at my life I didn't really act like a Christian, even when I was doing "Christian" things. Nothing was about God, it was how it made me feel. If I made God happy then I would be blessed and life would be good. That is not how Jesus did things. It surprises me how I even got through life the way I did. But it's 'cause God loves me so much he didn't give up on me.

I think the coolest I think I learned this year was that I can be completely honest with God. Before I knew you can't keep anything from God but I thought when I talked to him he wanted to hear something nice and Christianese. But no, God wants my heart and wants me to share everything with him, even when it doesn't sound the greatest. He wants me to say that I don't trust him if i don't trust him. He wants me to be honest. But the great thing about him is that he loves us too much to let us stay that way. For example, if I say I don't trust him he reminds me of something in the bible, something to remind me that his love never fails. And he'll use a situation, in my life, where he's used that. God cares about us a lot. It's just up to us to care to listen to what he's got to say about what HE's doing. ^_^

He's pretty awesome.

New York City BABY!!

So at the end of the Dibor year the students go through a week that is called the L10 project. Basically it is an embodiment of Luke 10 where the disciples went out healing and preaching the gospel while taking nothing but basically the clothes on their backs. So that's kind of what we did.

We were woken up at 4:30 a.m and had to give up our wallets and cellphones. They gave us our I.D.'s though. We were then given 7 minutes to pack 2 sets of clothes, a sleeping bag and any other essentials (which I forgot toothepaste and shampoo and stuff like that, but I also wasn't sure if they were okay with me bringing that stuff). So we left in Mary's car, which had almost no gas so we had to use all of the departure money they gave us for gas and tolls. Then, we had to go into the money they set aside for us to have when we arrived, just to have enough money for the tolls and gas to get there. We were suppose to be at the address they gave us at 12 p.m., without directions or anything only the address. We didn't get there until 2:30 p.m. When we got into NYC we got lost in the Bronx for an hour and a half.

SO, that was the condensed story of the beginning of our week. Helped with a church there with their after school program everyday. We helped pass out soup and bread and lemonade at The Relief Bus (an organization that gives out free food and outreaches to those people by finding the homeless housing, helping drug addicts get detox, and sharing Jesus with them). It was a great experience and it was challenging. I never realized how entitled homeless and poor people felt they were. But it hiumbled me because I realized they way they were treating us giving something out for free is how I treat God and all He's given me.

It was great. I would do the whole week over again with only one change: that I would let God flow through me instead of feeling paranoid that I wasn't doing enough. That is the only thing I wish would've been different. I felt that the leaders were going to be disappointed that I didn't evangelize enough or talk about Jesus enough. Or even look down on the fact that we didn't see anyone get saved while we were there.

But I am seeing Jesus in a whole new way. I get that He sees me for me and he loves it. He loves what he sees. And by knowing THAT, I can open my heart to him so much more than before. And I like it. ( "baby I like it, yeah I like it" LOL I like that song ^_^)

God, I'm cake??

I spent the weekend alone. Mary and Mike went to Lima for Campus Target so I basically had nothing to do, I was.....ALONE! Dun dun dun!!

I didn't want to get mad at the staff for not allowing me to go so I tried to find away not to go in that direction and then I remembered a few months ago I was getting prayed over and the person praying over me said that God wanted to be more intimate with me and he wanted me to make it a priority to spend time with him. I had seen in the following days, with the dibor schedule it was hard to have much free time with me also working, so I told God "if you want me to make time for you, you have to control my schedule to make time for it." So when I realized that I was going to be all alone for the weekend I knew God did this on purpose.

SO...I did what any young girl would do. I SLEPT. A lot!

But when I was awake I yelled at God about my frustrations and I read and read and read. I asked God "I'll believe that you like me, but WHY do you like me?"

Now you are probably wondering how this ties into my title "God, I'm cake?" Well, I would love to tell you. I was working on an assignment and got bored so I fell asleep and when I was waking up I had a dream that someone was handing a girl a piece of cake and said "Taste this, it's good." I thought it was kind of strange but I had already started fasting because of the book I was reading, so i assumed it was because I was hungry. When I woke up I read the fasting book and it was talking about how when we worship what we give to God tastes good to him.

It hit me. I was that cake and he likes the way I taste. How awesome!! That is why he likes me. Not because I'm funny or cute or smart but because when I show myself to him it feeds him.

Come Away

Today at work it was slow, like every other Monday. So I was bored and I was re evaluating things, like I like to do. Analyzing myself, God, and the stuff that's been going on in my life. And I started writing down on the back of a receipt this little excerpt of what's going on in my mind:

There's a voice inside me that says "God doesn't care. He used love to draw you in, but after you've experienced that you are suppose to work for the "cause" and obey. I mean, souls are waiting on the otherside of your obedience. They're gonna go to hell if you don't suck in all that mushy crap and just obey. You're just gonna look like a fool to God being all sappy. He won't say anything about how annoying it is because if he lets you believe you are in this awesome love then you will do whatever he says and you'll get the job done."

And I start believing. After a while of living with that thought I hear someone talk about David and how honest he is with God in Psalms or I see someone during worship just talking about how God loves us soo much. I think "How is it like this? No, no he doesn't love me. Well, he doesn't love me as much as they're talking about."

I believe it's a scam. All this love stuff is just a rouse to get us to do whatever he wants. Have you seen a woman in love with someone that actually doesn't love her back? She does the craziest things, women have killed for the man they love, they have devoted their whole life to his comfort and pleasure while they have nothing. All they get in return is abuse. The only thing I've seen for examples in my life is when you devote your whole life to something it's all false. The guy doesn't love you, he actually thinks of you as less than an animal. Your job fires you a year before you can retire and get benefits. You're used to destroy lives because the person you've devoted yourself to is too lazy to get his hands dirty.

When it comes down to it, if you let yourself be devoted, you get screwed over and you don't realize it because you are so blinded by your love, or passion, that you don't see it until they have left you...alone. Devotion puts you in a place where you will be treated as an object, you are no longer considered a human.

I've been opening up to God a lot more so I can say all this and actually know it's a lie. I know I was made to live devoted to God. That a passion inside of me is fulfilled when I live for him. I was created for the very reason to glorify him. And I can say with more honesty than before that God loves me. The lie that I've believed about getting sucked in and used is actually what the enemy tries to do to us every minute of every day.

It is up to me to choose to believe God when he says "I have plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future, not to harm you."

There is this song that Chris Aquila sings called "come Away" and it is a song that makes me feel like it is God calling me.

Come Away

Today at work it was slow, like every other Monday. So I was bored and I was re evaluating things, like I like to do. Analyzing myself, God, and the stuff that's been going on in my life. And I started writing down on the back of a receipt this little excerpt of what's going on in my mind:

There's a voice inside me that says "God doesn't care. He used love to draw you in, but after you've experienced that you are suppose to work for the "cause" and obey. I mean, souls are waiting on the otherside of your obedience. They're gonna go to hell if you don't suck in all that mushy crap and just obey. You're just gonna look like a fool to God being all sappy. He won't say anything about how annoying it is because if he lets you believe you are in this awesome love then you will do whatever he says and you'll get the job done."

And I start believing. After a while of living with that thought I hear someone talk about David and how honest he is with God in Psalms or I see someone during worship just talking about how God loves us soo much. I think "How is it like this? No, no he doesn't love me. Well, he doesn't love me as much as they're talking about."

I believe it's a scam. All this love stuff is just a rouse to get us to do whatever he wants. Have you seen a woman in love with someone that actually doesn't love her back? She does the craziest things, women have killed for the man they love, they have devoted their whole life to his comfort and pleasure while they have nothing. All they get in return is abuse. The only thing I've seen for examples in my life is when you devote your whole life to something it's all false. The guy doesn't love you, he actually thinks of you as less than an animal. Your job fires you a year before you can retire and get benefits. You're used to destroy lives because the person you've devoted yourself to is too lazy to get his hands dirty.

When it comes down to it, if you let yourself be devoted, you get screwed over and you don't realize it because you are so blinded by your love, or passion, that you don't see it until they have left you...alone. Devotion puts you in a place where you will be treated as an object, you are no longer considered a human.

I've been opening up to God a lot more so I can say all this and actually know it's a lie. I know I was made to live devoted to God. That a passion inside of me is fulfilled when I live for him. I was created for the very reason to glorify him. And I can say with more honesty than before that God loves me. The lie that I've believed about getting sucked in and used is actually what the enemy tries to do to us every minute of every day.

It is up to me to choose to believe God when he says "I have plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future, not to harm you."

There is this song that Chris Aquila sings called "come Away" and it is a song that makes me feel like it is God calling me.

Bloody Sacrifices!!!

For the Redline Conference we were given a dozen goats to slaughter and to spray their blood on banners that would be on display in our lobby..... at least this is what we said happened.

Really, Christopher wanted us to splatter red paint on these black banners to make it look like blood, since Redline is about Jesus' sacrifice. By the end of the "slaughter" we were covered in red paint. I actually didn't know we were doing that until that morning AFTER we got to the church so I had to run to Salvation Army and buy new pants and a new t-shirt.

The conference went really well. I was very tired and sore by the end of it. Splattering paint for an hour, running around, on your feet all day, and then being pushed to limit during worship to give your all, just in a day's work at Dibor.

Forgiveness Can Uncover Deep Wounds You've Ignored

Today I forgave some more people in my life. It was cool I was looking at them in my mind and how I felt about them and it was like these dead stacks of corral, like the tubes of corral, and then the image just faded away and i didn't really see another image but like this feeling, like an aroma, but I didn't smell anything but it was like then sense of it's presence, was there and it was pouring in from the other parts of my life that God has been filling up with his spirit. It's been pretty easy to forgive people up to this point, but now I'm still dealing with some of the pain and dealing with the wanting to protect myself.

Can I believe that God can protect me all the time? Can I see the lie that I am the only one who will take care of me as a lie?

Ashta na ga..... hello tongues!

Yesterday, at 33 Live I was praying for this girl. I was asking God to help her with the walls she's built around her heart and some other things. I didn't know much about her but I knew that these things were applicable. After a couple of sentences I didn't know what else to say but I felt like I had to do something so I started doing this singing thing I do.

I've been doing this things where I sing randomn words, which I guessed were tongues because they weren't words I knew and we have the mind of Christ, so what else could it be?

So I wanted to start doing my singing thing but I just started talking. All these words that i had no idea what they meant poured out of my mouth. It wasn't like they were forcing themselves out of my mouth or like something was controlling it but like these words felt right coming out of my mouth. Like something in me knew that what I was saying was important while my brain had no idea.

At one point I wanted to start crying. Something I was saying was super important for her but since I was speaking in tongues I had no idea what it was.

Now, I'm like addicted to talking in tongues. It's fun. All these years I felt like there was something that wanted to pour out of me and i think this is what it was.

Once, someone told me that speaking in tongues doesn't determine whether you're saved or not, it doesn't mean you're any holier or more righteous, it's just like they discovered ice cream and want to share it with other Christians. And I get it now. It is fun. It doesn't make me more righteous. It's just something fun.

Servolution

The leaders had us find a way to serve two people from the church. One of them was Patty Jennings. I learned today how awesome she is. She is so cute!! The way she says things especially when she's excited is just so adorable. I hope that I can stay in contact with her long after Dibor is over. The great thing about being told to go and bless people is how blessed you get just by watching how the blessing affects the person and the relationship that develops from it. That's what I love about it. The way they talk to me after blessing them. The way they show their affection and desire to talk to me. I get to see a special part of their heart that would take a long time by other means of developing a relationship with them. I want to bless more people to have more connections this way. I think heaven will be a lot like this. You don't know the person very well but then you experience something with them and their hearts open up to you. I have so many friends at New Life that are adults, basically because of helping them. They open their hearts to me and we are genuinely happy to see each other and care about each other.

For example, the other day at church Tigger came running up to me all excited because her husband was coming back from overseas a few days earlier than she expected. You should see this woman. She talks about her husband like they just got off their honeymoon. They have 3 kids and she talks about him like they got married 2 weeks ago. She is so in love with him. And I would not have been the person she ran to, or been able to see that excitement and rejoice with her if I had not helped her move into her home. I would not have the same relationship with her if I hadn't gone to her house to watch the Superbowl. I developed this relationship with her and just by seeing her excitement when she talks to me is all I could ask for. It's so precious to me.

When you serve people and bless them you find a special place in their hearts and it is a wonderful place to be. This is kingdom culture. This is heaven on earth and it beautiful. I hope to have these kinds of relationships all over the world.

I never thought that doing practical things like this would open hearts so much. I always thought it was being a listening ear or helping them solve their problems, like emotional/relationship problems. But to my surprise people really value these kinds of things and don't take them lightly. They aren't suspicious about your motives or thinking you are faking about caring about them. It's astonishing.

The Past

So the last couple of weeks I've been reading The Sacred Romance. It basically talks about how much God loves us like a lover would and how his enemy (the devil) has seduced us away from him. And that the enemy uses our moments of pain to feed us lies that God doesn't loves us, that He is not looking out for our best and that we have to put on our fake selves for the world. That our deep desire for love only gets in the way and that duty and discipline are the most important things.

To be honest, I have been having a hard time reading this book. It is bringing up past feelings of hurt, loneliness, and rejection. Being the eldest child puts you in a position to have to experience certain things in life on your own and/or without much direction.I think pretty much everyone has had these times in their life, but for me I believe a lot of it was because of being the oldest of a single mother. So, I experienced these moments of feeling like people were thinking I was nothing and only a nuisance (not everyone, but a few people) so to fight off these feelings of insecurity, incompetence, and vulnerability I chose to find a way to protect myself, to defend myself. I thought thoroughly why I did certain things, why I was right and others who might accuse me, or laugh at me, were wrong.

One thing that really hurts when I think about it is that I realized that when I was younger, my need to be strong and prove myself came from, mostly, not having a father. I don't blame anyone for that, but it affects me anyway. I felt my vulnerability and tried to find away to fight the fear by trying to be strong, or I think actually my goal was to be tough, calloused. As I got older and started to see that all that was hurting me I started to let it go, but the feeling of vulnerability was still there. I would think "if some guy tried to hurt me, I would have no one to scare him off. If I had a boyfriend I would have no father to scare him to treat me the way he should."It hurts when I see a girl get that sparkle in her eye when she thinks about her dad protecting her like that. I don't have that. I've always been the strong on in my life, and I'm not really all that strong. I can be calloused.

I found my way to find approval and recognition was having a sound argument. Logical explain why I was right or to

I'm not saying that my experiences or what hurt me justifies why I do what I do. It explains why I do it and I know I need to let God heal the pain and let the past go.

Do you trust me?

Disney movies have more Christian ideas than you think. Take for example Simba, who blamed himself for a tragic event in his life (his father dying). He continues to deny his right as king, just like Christians nowadays don't believe they walk in the same authority Jesus does. We have the power to heal and drive out demons. Our words create new realities. But a lot of Christians don't claim that authority.

So, I realized that God and Aladdin are similar. God is stretching out his hand towards me saying "Do you trust me?" This week during devotions I was glancing at some of my past journal entries and I stumbled upon this one that I was having a great time in worship and I really felt like God was smiling at me and holding my face between his hands just enjoying me. And I wrote that he said "All you have to do is trust me" and I looked at the bottom of the page and realized my signature was there. pastor Christopher had us sign the bottom of a blank page and we were suppose to do whatever God filled in at the top. So I had promised to do whatever God put on that page. At the time that I was writing that journal entry I didn't realize it was the empty page I had signed. So it definitely was a God thing.

Soccer and the Holy Spirit

Adrenaline's running through your veins. Someone just elbowed you in the side but you don't care. All you want is that ball. Nothing is getting in the way of your foot meeting that round prize. You'll take anything the opponent tries to do to you as long as you end up with THAT ball in THEIR net.

What I learned today is that "denying your flesh", or "disciplining your body" (like Paul writes to the Corinthians about beating his flesh and making it his slave)is just like soccer, or any other sport where you are competing for a prize.

You run, and your body screams for you to let up and not push so hard. Someone slide-tackles you and you think you seriously have messed up your ankle. But when you, or if you've watched someone, compete at something there is nothing stopping you. You are so focused on the goal line, the prize that it doesn't matter if you mess up your body or you've worked your body so hard you'll be feeling it for 2 weeks. Nothing matters but getting that prize.

And relationship with God is that prize. Winning souls for the kingdom is that prize. But as Christians we listen to the little things that stop us from reaching our goal. Like,"I don't think they will respond if I talk about God, or they'll totally flip out on me!" Or we start to feel sick Sunday morning so we decide not to go to church. We'll be feeling so bad we won't be listening to the message anyway. The one I like to use is that they didn't walk close enough or just because God didn't put them in my way a second, third, sixth time, that maybe it wasn't God. Maybe it was just my mind having high expectations or being paranoid.

As I was running today I remembered in soccer how I would hear my body telling me it was hurting too much but in the middle of an intense game I just kept on going. And I realized I have to do that with everything. I can't let feeling sick or my excuses stop me from running hard after my goal.

I have thought of this before, but what I was missing in the past was remembering what my goal was. Because if I wasn't thinking about winning souls or pleasing God, then why should I tell my body "no"? Why should I deny what it wants, especially if it makes me feel better? You can't run hard after something, you can't push yourself farther than you thought you could go.... you're not even willing to make yourself uncomfortable if you're brain isn't consumed by your goal.

So, if you're not going all out, then who are you actually living for?

Intimacy

How is the thing I crave so much, my greatest fear?

God sees everything I do, everything I think, so how can I be afraid to be vulnerable and open to him?

Yesterday, Jenny Hopper read us this thing that Christopher's sister wrote about her secret place with Jesus and I was crying. When she was talking about hugging Jesus, all I wanted to do was stand there are push Him away. It's something I've wanted for such a long time, to be held like that, but now I just can't accept it.

So last night I decided I would try talking to God. So I'm trying to listen but I ended up falling asleep. I woke up at one point and started thinking about it again and I started crying. And I was trying to figure out why I couldn't just give in to this and I realized, I don't believe I am worth it. All my life feeling like people haven't really thought I was worth it to show intimacy with me, at some point I really started believing it, even with God.

I've become so use to how I am and the lies I believe that my desire for intimacy is not as strong as wanting to stay how I am. I don't want to face rejection anymore than I have. I'm so incredibly scared. I know I am not strong and I know that I don't have much figured out. But those were my walls. Those protected me from the vulnerability, or at least it was the only thing I could grab at to try to protect myself.

And to try to face anything now, realizing that I can't do anything, scares me. I have never been able to rely on someone to help through something really hard so trusting anyone, let alone God, to carry me through it is such a foreign idea. I'm so use to figuring stuff out on my own and having to be self reliant that letting God do this is so contrary to what I've done my whole life. It's so weird and just doesn't make sense. I mean, it does because I know I can't do it so my only hope is that God carries me through it.

So the only thing I can do is continue to try to open up and try to push past my desire to hide. And rely on God to be there to catch me.

Break Down

I think I just had a break down. With everything, I just couldn't take it and just started crying, almost uncontrollably. It felt better to cry than to stop. Even when I was tired and my head hurt but even that got to be to much so I had to try to wind it down. I feel like a something. I don't know what to even relate to it. I don't really feel human right now. I'm being pushed to my limits but I have no passion to along with it so all it seems to be is draining everything out of me. I need to go to bed so I'm going to end here.

"I am tired!" and random God thoughts

I have probably said "I am tired" literally a hundred times this past week. Between not getting enough sleep, PT (physical training), early PT at 4 am, daily tasks, God intervention, crying, and mostly eating fruits and vegetables (which probably isn't a part of it but I like to put the blame on it)I am exhausted. And the world keeps on spinning.

Anyway, in my spare time I like to think of random things. One thing I thought of recently was: what if time isn't the thing that is moving but we are, in some way we can't imagine, let alone comprehend?

And allowing God to change you is like having a knife at your chest and you struggle to pull it away and when you let go, right as it pierces your skin it becomes a big fluffy cloud inside of you.

Cravings

Don't you just love that feeling when you have an intense craving for something, maybe food, and you get to quench it? When that piece of chocolate melts in your mouth or when that steak hits the spot. It's like that song is playing in the background "Na na na, I feeel good, na na na, I knew that I would! I feeeel good!"

Have you noticed how many different cravings there are? Cravings for food, cravings for attention, or for love. We all have them, some on a regular basis. Some are just little cravings we feel now and then and some dictate our lives. For example, some days I have a craving for chocolate, a hamburger, or even for milk ^_^ While my craving for someone to be intimate with dictates my whole life. I search for people that I can be very close to. I choose to pursue God to fill this craving for intimacy. So sometimes our cravings take a long time to relieve and sometimes it is as simple as a glass of milk.

This month is called "Burn Month" at New Life Christian Church. This is a time for us to fast a certain thing in our lives that we depend on or anything that distracts us from personal time with God. Everyone from Dibor living at the dorms is doing a Daniel Fast, which is only eating vegetables and fruit. While I, on the other hand, am fasting non-Christian music. I am already fasting watching movies while I am by myself for the rest of the semester. And I have to tell you, my world has quieted down A LOT since I stopped watching movies in my spare time. I've definitely had a lot of growth in my relationship with God because I can't get through things without using the TV as my escape from reality. And since I don't have that to fill me up or comfort me the only thing strong enough to get me through struggle is God.

I'm challenging myself in other ways, too, so having all of this at once is really getting me stressed out. I'm definitely better than I would think because right now the main things that I rely on I am denying myself. So think of your favorite comfort food or maybe for you it is watching TV, whatever makes you relaxed, whatever gives you a break in times of busyness or stress. Now imagine key issues in your life that God is calling you out on, it doesn't feel good, you might even be hurting those around you because of the way you are reacting to it, AND YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT ONE THING YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD TO KEEP YOU COMFORT! Basically.... it's hard and not too motivational.

Will it be good for me? Yes. Will it bring me closer to God if I let it? Yes. Is it crappy and I'd rather run away from it? Most definitely!! But God loves me too much to allow me to run away from it for long. I heard someone say once "God loves you exactly the way you are but He loves you too much to let you stay that way." And when I am not being selfish and self-absorbed I am really thankful that He does that for me and that He's so faithful, too. I mean, I scream at Him and ask Him why He is letting me go through this and He's probably saying "But you are so much more like Adele when you are like Me" and then when I eventually submit to the process,come out on the other side, and thank Him for it and give Him the glory for taking me through it and bringing me out of it.

This week we had a speaker teach 2 days of class, his name is Penn Clark, and he was telling us that when God brought the Israelites out into the desert, after coming out of Egypt, the trip to the promise land would've only taken 2 weeks but God had them wandering for 40 years! And God said "I took you through the wilderness to work out of you the things that would've hurt you in the promise land. It would've killed you, because you would've forgotten me."

How big is that? God is putting me through this time that in my mind I think is torture when it's really just to get rid of the bad stuff that would actually be hurting me in the promise land! How loving is that?!

Like, if you were going to teach a kid how to be potty trained and all they thought you were doing was torturing them and that by making them sit on a seat to go to the bathroom was unnecessary and they sobbed "Why are you doing this to me?" What would your reaction be?? I would stand there staring at them and say "Seriously?" I would be so amazed that they would take a simple daily skill and believe that I am trying to torture them and I enjoying it when all their crying is pissing me off. I mean, I'm trying to teach them something that is basic and essential to everyday life, and it would save them from embarrassment as they got older.

And the things that God takes us through and the things He wants us to give up for Him are really things that are hurting us and keeping us from living a full life. And we cry and ask Him "Why?" when He is doing something really awesome by trying to teach us these basics of life and He walks us through the WHOLE thing!

I would tell that kid that he can go ahead and pee himself for the rest of his life if he thinks I'm trying to be mean to him for the fun of it. If he was going to not appreciate what I was trying to do for him and complain about it, I would get fed up and just stop even trying.

But isn't it great that God doesn't give up? When we try to run away, when we ignore that there's even a problem, when we yell at Him, when we try to rebel. He's there waiting for your heart to turn to Him. He's just waiting for the opportunity to show more of Himself to you and for you to expose your heart to Him.

Um... Writing My Blog Last Minute Again

So there's been a lot this past week. To sum it up:

-Watched Braveheart (for class!)
-Had a great encounter with the Father. He told me me how much He loved me and how much I was wanted by Him
- A great man at a church passed away, Mr. Rodriguez. I really liked him from the small interaction I had with him
-Pastor Christopher taught our class the last 2 days and today we talked about the difference between prayer and prophesy
Jesus:
- Heard from the Father
-Spoke what the Father spoke
-And contended for breakthrough

So I have to go to bed now so this was as much of a glimpse as I can share but I will devote more time in my blogs from now on. SO anticipate it!!

The Ninevites Didn't Slap People With Fish??

So while I am writing this blog I am listening to The Afters' "Never going back to okay" which is like my theme song for what God has been trying to get me to start doing and the theme song for today.

Jacob Milea spoke the last 3 days for class and today we talked about Sampson, who had a call on his life but never included God in it until he had no where else to go. Then, we talked about Jonah, who we all know ran away from what God was calling him to do, which was tell the gospel to the Ninevites. Now, you can go your whole life hearing this story and writing Jonah off as a punk who just wanted to do his own thing and the people who watched Veggie Tales think the Ninevites slapped people with fish. Though it is true Jonah was being a selfish punk, we don't realize IF anyone had the right to complain it was Jonah. I won't go into the details of what Jacob explained to us how the Ninevites treated the people they attacked but let's just say that if I city knew the Ninevites were going to attack them, they would just commit mass suicide. The Ninevites were a monstrocity, they did really awful things it would be better to die peacefully than try to defend against the Ninevites.

And how big is that?? We know that Jesus endured torture and ridicule and died so that we could be saved, which is so awesome we can't even understand the hugeness of that fact. And God, back in Old Testement times, decided that these wicked people would get wiped out, but IF.... IF they turned to Him they could be saved. AND THEY DID!! Like how amazing is that?!?! There are several kings in the bible that God speaks through a prophet and says "You are totally going against me, I'm going tear down everything in your life and you are gonna die!" And these kings are like "Uh, i hate you!" (But to me whe I read it sometimes it sounds like there response is "Yeah, lets see you try.")

But anyway, these Ninevites, these evil vile people you want to see dead, God says "I'm gonna destroy them, but if they turn their hearts to me I will receive them and I want them to be part of my Kingdom." How amazing! God is a much bigger person than I am, definitely. If I watched someone do the things they did I would want to puke my guts out and die. I wouldn't be able to even handle seeing it, let alone loving them so much to go to them and give them the opportunity for life for eternity.

So today God reminded me how much I live for my comfort and how I believe things should be. Thank you God for showing me the parts of me you want to chisel off of me to show more of you. And my perspective of Jonah has changed, even though he still should've been obedient, as should I.

So what are fighting God on?

What are you running away from that God wants you to do?