Intimacy

How is the thing I crave so much, my greatest fear?

God sees everything I do, everything I think, so how can I be afraid to be vulnerable and open to him?

Yesterday, Jenny Hopper read us this thing that Christopher's sister wrote about her secret place with Jesus and I was crying. When she was talking about hugging Jesus, all I wanted to do was stand there are push Him away. It's something I've wanted for such a long time, to be held like that, but now I just can't accept it.

So last night I decided I would try talking to God. So I'm trying to listen but I ended up falling asleep. I woke up at one point and started thinking about it again and I started crying. And I was trying to figure out why I couldn't just give in to this and I realized, I don't believe I am worth it. All my life feeling like people haven't really thought I was worth it to show intimacy with me, at some point I really started believing it, even with God.

I've become so use to how I am and the lies I believe that my desire for intimacy is not as strong as wanting to stay how I am. I don't want to face rejection anymore than I have. I'm so incredibly scared. I know I am not strong and I know that I don't have much figured out. But those were my walls. Those protected me from the vulnerability, or at least it was the only thing I could grab at to try to protect myself.

And to try to face anything now, realizing that I can't do anything, scares me. I have never been able to rely on someone to help through something really hard so trusting anyone, let alone God, to carry me through it is such a foreign idea. I'm so use to figuring stuff out on my own and having to be self reliant that letting God do this is so contrary to what I've done my whole life. It's so weird and just doesn't make sense. I mean, it does because I know I can't do it so my only hope is that God carries me through it.

So the only thing I can do is continue to try to open up and try to push past my desire to hide. And rely on God to be there to catch me.