The Past

So the last couple of weeks I've been reading The Sacred Romance. It basically talks about how much God loves us like a lover would and how his enemy (the devil) has seduced us away from him. And that the enemy uses our moments of pain to feed us lies that God doesn't loves us, that He is not looking out for our best and that we have to put on our fake selves for the world. That our deep desire for love only gets in the way and that duty and discipline are the most important things.

To be honest, I have been having a hard time reading this book. It is bringing up past feelings of hurt, loneliness, and rejection. Being the eldest child puts you in a position to have to experience certain things in life on your own and/or without much direction.I think pretty much everyone has had these times in their life, but for me I believe a lot of it was because of being the oldest of a single mother. So, I experienced these moments of feeling like people were thinking I was nothing and only a nuisance (not everyone, but a few people) so to fight off these feelings of insecurity, incompetence, and vulnerability I chose to find a way to protect myself, to defend myself. I thought thoroughly why I did certain things, why I was right and others who might accuse me, or laugh at me, were wrong.

One thing that really hurts when I think about it is that I realized that when I was younger, my need to be strong and prove myself came from, mostly, not having a father. I don't blame anyone for that, but it affects me anyway. I felt my vulnerability and tried to find away to fight the fear by trying to be strong, or I think actually my goal was to be tough, calloused. As I got older and started to see that all that was hurting me I started to let it go, but the feeling of vulnerability was still there. I would think "if some guy tried to hurt me, I would have no one to scare him off. If I had a boyfriend I would have no father to scare him to treat me the way he should."It hurts when I see a girl get that sparkle in her eye when she thinks about her dad protecting her like that. I don't have that. I've always been the strong on in my life, and I'm not really all that strong. I can be calloused.

I found my way to find approval and recognition was having a sound argument. Logical explain why I was right or to

I'm not saying that my experiences or what hurt me justifies why I do what I do. It explains why I do it and I know I need to let God heal the pain and let the past go.