I knew the only way to get closer was to trust God and give him control.

But I didn't want to. I don't want to release control to anybody else, because then how will I know I'm protected? Who will cover me when I am attacked?

So I started getting pissed. Getting pissed at the authority around me. Getting pissed when they told me to do something. When someone treated me in a way I didn't feel like I deserved, I got pissed. Everything in me wanted to lash out at every little thing I disliked. I wanted to rebel against the very things I came here to do.

Finally, I got enough strength to talk to God and admit that I've been wrong. I just asked him to comfort me and to protect me from the enemy. I needed time to just work through what I needed to do and to be open to God and I did NOT need the enemy to be pouring lies in my head.

And all I heard from God was "Trust me. Trust." When I don't want to do something or I feel uncomfortable doing something God wants me to trust him. Just trust him.So that is what is going to motivate me.

Lately, I've been doing things out of fear. I don't want to do something but I do it so I don't get in trouble or get in an argument, and possibly get into more trouble. But instead of doing everything out of fear I will do it as an act of trust.

I will trust that God wants me to do it and that I will not be hurt by it. I will trust Him.