Note to the Devil

To Satan:

Why did you do this to me? What did a nine year old ever do to you that you had to reject her and make her feel like she has to fight for herself everyday of her life?

Every morning I wake up and wish that I was still asleep. I hate either what I have to do that day or hate that I feel that what I am doing has no purpose. Either way, when faced with a new day I want it to end before it begins.

I have great attributes but you told me I am lame and that I am annoying. And I believed you. You've tainted my view on everything that, I have come to learn, was suppose to be good for me. I can't trust anyone or anything. Love is something that sucks the life out of you and doesn't look back. Authority uses its power to make itself feel better. No one is here for me.

These are the things you have drummed into my head and beaten my heart with. You have poisoned me with this mantra since I was a small, defenseless child that had no choice but to believe you. And I hate what you have done to me.

Now, I have to spend the rest of my life fighting these thoughts and feelings that should not have been dumped into a child. You piss me off, you make me pissed at myself, you make me pissed off at people who have done nothing to deserve anger towards them, you make me pissed at people I need to be loving.

You hate me. You hate the one that created us. But how could you think you could be better than Him when HE made you and all of this and all you can do is destroy? I hate what you have done to us, I hate what you've done to me.

I can't understand your thinking. Even if you went based on solid logic there is no way you can achieve your desired goal. That alone would make anyone back off. You are evil and you have done horrible things to my brothers and sisters and the rest of the world.

Why? Why would you do this? Are you so bent on hurting God that this doesn't affect you? That the reality of what you are doing doesn't reach you? Do you not have a heart? A conscious?

Maybe you are like this because you have never experienced God's love. Would that make a difference? I realize God has made us differently so the way you function is not the same as us humans. But I know that who God is is not deniable.I may have been writing this out of ignorance but I know that what the bible has said who God is more than you will ever be. You will not be able to stop His will. I can not relate to you because I am loved by Him. I wish there was something I could do or say to you that would make you stop what you are doing. I wish you had a heart I could have compassion on but I don't know if you have a heart or if there is anything to have compassion on in you.

I am sorry you decided this. And if by some way you wanted to change I would be the first to want to be there for it, because Jesus or God would have to do it because I would not be strong enough. I am not doing this for any reason than that God made me this way. I don't want anyone to be left out. God made you and I don't think you were made for this purpose, just like I wasn't made to live in unbelief, loneliness, and separation from Him.

So think about it. Go and have a chat with God.I know you've done it because you talked to Him about Job.

Sincerely Not Yours but Abba's,
Adele

Job Search: Complete

So when I came here I needed a job to pay for my tuition. I was starting to get stressed about it. And I talked to God and said, "If you want me here you will make sure I get what I need to stay here."

The next day Christopher Hopper told me about this lady who has a jewelry line that is taking off and she needs some helpers. BAM! One job.

Then the day after I got the job at the jewelry place, the store at the mall that I had been trying to get a job at called and asked if I would come in and start working. BAM! Two jobs!!

It's pretty amazing how God works when you realize you've never been able to do it and you put it in His hands.

A Revelation from Russel Crowe

Today I watched A Beautiful Mind starring Russel Crowe, who by the way is an incredible actor. The character in this movie is like a math genius but his mind starts to get messed up and he starts to see people who aren't there. And so after he realizes that there is this little girl he keeps seeing, that he thinks exists, he starts to notice she doesn't get older, she looks exactly the same way he had seen her several years ago. So in his attempt to be "normal" he ignores the people, he has come to find out, do not exist. Even years and years after he has started to ignore them they are still there.

So what does this have to do with anything? What does this have to do with Dibor?

Well, aren't these people that were created in this man's mind similar to the Enemy? He feeds us lies that God doesn't like us and that we are capable of nothing. Doesn't he set up these false ideas in our heads that aren't true and are not reality? And even when we try to ignore these illusions they are still there.

But like the character I choose to live without acknowledging that the Enemy's illusions are reality. Will you join me?

But before we start ignoring them first we need to identify what is reality and what are lies.

I am a daughter of God. He loves me and nothing I do will make Him stop or be disappointed in me. I am an heir to God's kingdom and I have the same authority Jesus has.

Sin has no control or power over me. I am living a life of victory, not in condemnation.

So what do I not listen to? What do I regard as falsity?

When that voice in your head says "You did it again! You have to be better than that. What are they going to think of you now? Don't tell them, you have to pretend you are better than you are because all they are going to do is rip into you. No one accepts you for who you are. You have to pretend to make it through."

You have to tell yourself "No! God is the ultimate authority and he knows everything I have done wrong and accepts me anyway. He still says "you are precious to me and I want you to love me." You are not a prince/princess that cowers at the same ones you have the power to rule over.

That is what I learned today. I would love to be able to talk more about this, because I have had such a hard time with this. But I don't know where you are and I don't know what's been holding you down. But I do know that even if you don't know if God loves you right now or what He thinks, I know He is saying "Trust me. Just trust me." Forget about the ands ifs or buts and choose to trust because that is the only way to accept love when you've been hurt, when you've been let down.

Just Trust.

I knew the only way to get closer was to trust God and give him control.

But I didn't want to. I don't want to release control to anybody else, because then how will I know I'm protected? Who will cover me when I am attacked?

So I started getting pissed. Getting pissed at the authority around me. Getting pissed when they told me to do something. When someone treated me in a way I didn't feel like I deserved, I got pissed. Everything in me wanted to lash out at every little thing I disliked. I wanted to rebel against the very things I came here to do.

Finally, I got enough strength to talk to God and admit that I've been wrong. I just asked him to comfort me and to protect me from the enemy. I needed time to just work through what I needed to do and to be open to God and I did NOT need the enemy to be pouring lies in my head.

And all I heard from God was "Trust me. Trust." When I don't want to do something or I feel uncomfortable doing something God wants me to trust him. Just trust him.So that is what is going to motivate me.

Lately, I've been doing things out of fear. I don't want to do something but I do it so I don't get in trouble or get in an argument, and possibly get into more trouble. But instead of doing everything out of fear I will do it as an act of trust.

I will trust that God wants me to do it and that I will not be hurt by it. I will trust Him.

Kingdom Culture

This isn't going to explain or describe as much as I want to so I might write about this again (more expand more on it)

So the past couple of days Pastor Christopher has been talking to us about kingdom culture. Living God's kingdom culture here on earth.

Today when I was running could feel he enemy trying to attack me. Making me wonder if I got hurt would I have to stop running (which I really wanted to do) but then I thought "well it doesn't matter if I got hurt because God is powerful enough to heal it" and so I kept having thoughts of ways to get out of P.T, or even just running, and everything I came up with I realized God could heal it, stop it, or whatever. At first I was like "Uhhh! There's no biblical way to get out of this unless I don't want to have confidence in God!"

So I was fighting off all these mental attacks from the enemy and I actually started running faster than I normally do. My legs didn't ache or become tired.

Love the Way You Lie

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

When I heard this song I wondered why it felt so comforting. I didn't like the idea that I'd rather have pain mixed with love. Why did I feel better with pain when I was made to love God and to be loved back? Why can't I trust his perfect love?

So I wrote this to myself in hopes of realizing why I was like this:

"You have love and pain messed up. You are comfortable when you feel pain because it is familiar. But love is foreign territory and you don't know how to react. Because love doesn't force itself on you, you push it away. But you glance over to see if it will come back. It went away like you told it to and now you're upset because you are alone.

"You like the pain because it forces its way in. You feel like the whole world avoids you, ignores you, doesn't want to see inside you but pain hits you deep inside. Pain finds your vulnerable parts. So the only way you can accept love is if it causes you pain. You need the pain to go straight through your defenses and then you want love to embrace you."

I was trying to understand, why do I want to push away God's perfect love and go after a love that abuses me? Because I've been hurt, I put up walls. Pain is the only thing that forces itself past those walls and into the core of me. When I am presented with love it scares me. I wonder 'Why don't you just push your way in?' Love is patient. Love doesn't come in unless it is invited. Love waits patiently, gently reminding you that it is there waiting for you to ask for it.

One time, it was explained to me that God is a gentleman. He won't force himself or his desires onto you. He waits for you. With a lack of that in our lives, we look to the other examples (family, friends, movies) set before us and go after what is familiar. But if we lived in a pile of poop it doesn't mean that we should continue to go to that pile when presented with a comfortable,clean place to live. It doesn't make any sense.

You were made to be loved by a perfect love. God made us for that purpose. And he wants you to love him back.