I spent the weekend alone. Mary and Mike went to Lima for Campus Target so I basically had nothing to do, I was.....ALONE! Dun dun dun!!
I didn't want to get mad at the staff for not allowing me to go so I tried to find away not to go in that direction and then I remembered a few months ago I was getting prayed over and the person praying over me said that God wanted to be more intimate with me and he wanted me to make it a priority to spend time with him. I had seen in the following days, with the dibor schedule it was hard to have much free time with me also working, so I told God "if you want me to make time for you, you have to control my schedule to make time for it." So when I realized that I was going to be all alone for the weekend I knew God did this on purpose.
SO...I did what any young girl would do. I SLEPT. A lot!
But when I was awake I yelled at God about my frustrations and I read and read and read. I asked God "I'll believe that you like me, but WHY do you like me?"
Now you are probably wondering how this ties into my title "God, I'm cake?" Well, I would love to tell you. I was working on an assignment and got bored so I fell asleep and when I was waking up I had a dream that someone was handing a girl a piece of cake and said "Taste this, it's good." I thought it was kind of strange but I had already started fasting because of the book I was reading, so i assumed it was because I was hungry. When I woke up I read the fasting book and it was talking about how when we worship what we give to God tastes good to him.
It hit me. I was that cake and he likes the way I taste. How awesome!! That is why he likes me. Not because I'm funny or cute or smart but because when I show myself to him it feeds him.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Come Away
Today at work it was slow, like every other Monday. So I was bored and I was re evaluating things, like I like to do. Analyzing myself, God, and the stuff that's been going on in my life. And I started writing down on the back of a receipt this little excerpt of what's going on in my mind:
There's a voice inside me that says "God doesn't care. He used love to draw you in, but after you've experienced that you are suppose to work for the "cause" and obey. I mean, souls are waiting on the otherside of your obedience. They're gonna go to hell if you don't suck in all that mushy crap and just obey. You're just gonna look like a fool to God being all sappy. He won't say anything about how annoying it is because if he lets you believe you are in this awesome love then you will do whatever he says and you'll get the job done."
And I start believing. After a while of living with that thought I hear someone talk about David and how honest he is with God in Psalms or I see someone during worship just talking about how God loves us soo much. I think "How is it like this? No, no he doesn't love me. Well, he doesn't love me as much as they're talking about."
I believe it's a scam. All this love stuff is just a rouse to get us to do whatever he wants. Have you seen a woman in love with someone that actually doesn't love her back? She does the craziest things, women have killed for the man they love, they have devoted their whole life to his comfort and pleasure while they have nothing. All they get in return is abuse. The only thing I've seen for examples in my life is when you devote your whole life to something it's all false. The guy doesn't love you, he actually thinks of you as less than an animal. Your job fires you a year before you can retire and get benefits. You're used to destroy lives because the person you've devoted yourself to is too lazy to get his hands dirty.
When it comes down to it, if you let yourself be devoted, you get screwed over and you don't realize it because you are so blinded by your love, or passion, that you don't see it until they have left you...alone. Devotion puts you in a place where you will be treated as an object, you are no longer considered a human.
I've been opening up to God a lot more so I can say all this and actually know it's a lie. I know I was made to live devoted to God. That a passion inside of me is fulfilled when I live for him. I was created for the very reason to glorify him. And I can say with more honesty than before that God loves me. The lie that I've believed about getting sucked in and used is actually what the enemy tries to do to us every minute of every day.
It is up to me to choose to believe God when he says "I have plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future, not to harm you."
There is this song that Chris Aquila sings called "come Away" and it is a song that makes me feel like it is God calling me.
There's a voice inside me that says "God doesn't care. He used love to draw you in, but after you've experienced that you are suppose to work for the "cause" and obey. I mean, souls are waiting on the otherside of your obedience. They're gonna go to hell if you don't suck in all that mushy crap and just obey. You're just gonna look like a fool to God being all sappy. He won't say anything about how annoying it is because if he lets you believe you are in this awesome love then you will do whatever he says and you'll get the job done."
And I start believing. After a while of living with that thought I hear someone talk about David and how honest he is with God in Psalms or I see someone during worship just talking about how God loves us soo much. I think "How is it like this? No, no he doesn't love me. Well, he doesn't love me as much as they're talking about."
I believe it's a scam. All this love stuff is just a rouse to get us to do whatever he wants. Have you seen a woman in love with someone that actually doesn't love her back? She does the craziest things, women have killed for the man they love, they have devoted their whole life to his comfort and pleasure while they have nothing. All they get in return is abuse. The only thing I've seen for examples in my life is when you devote your whole life to something it's all false. The guy doesn't love you, he actually thinks of you as less than an animal. Your job fires you a year before you can retire and get benefits. You're used to destroy lives because the person you've devoted yourself to is too lazy to get his hands dirty.
When it comes down to it, if you let yourself be devoted, you get screwed over and you don't realize it because you are so blinded by your love, or passion, that you don't see it until they have left you...alone. Devotion puts you in a place where you will be treated as an object, you are no longer considered a human.
I've been opening up to God a lot more so I can say all this and actually know it's a lie. I know I was made to live devoted to God. That a passion inside of me is fulfilled when I live for him. I was created for the very reason to glorify him. And I can say with more honesty than before that God loves me. The lie that I've believed about getting sucked in and used is actually what the enemy tries to do to us every minute of every day.
It is up to me to choose to believe God when he says "I have plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future, not to harm you."
There is this song that Chris Aquila sings called "come Away" and it is a song that makes me feel like it is God calling me.
Come Away
Today at work it was slow, like every other Monday. So I was bored and I was re evaluating things, like I like to do. Analyzing myself, God, and the stuff that's been going on in my life. And I started writing down on the back of a receipt this little excerpt of what's going on in my mind:
There's a voice inside me that says "God doesn't care. He used love to draw you in, but after you've experienced that you are suppose to work for the "cause" and obey. I mean, souls are waiting on the otherside of your obedience. They're gonna go to hell if you don't suck in all that mushy crap and just obey. You're just gonna look like a fool to God being all sappy. He won't say anything about how annoying it is because if he lets you believe you are in this awesome love then you will do whatever he says and you'll get the job done."
And I start believing. After a while of living with that thought I hear someone talk about David and how honest he is with God in Psalms or I see someone during worship just talking about how God loves us soo much. I think "How is it like this? No, no he doesn't love me. Well, he doesn't love me as much as they're talking about."
I believe it's a scam. All this love stuff is just a rouse to get us to do whatever he wants. Have you seen a woman in love with someone that actually doesn't love her back? She does the craziest things, women have killed for the man they love, they have devoted their whole life to his comfort and pleasure while they have nothing. All they get in return is abuse. The only thing I've seen for examples in my life is when you devote your whole life to something it's all false. The guy doesn't love you, he actually thinks of you as less than an animal. Your job fires you a year before you can retire and get benefits. You're used to destroy lives because the person you've devoted yourself to is too lazy to get his hands dirty.
When it comes down to it, if you let yourself be devoted, you get screwed over and you don't realize it because you are so blinded by your love, or passion, that you don't see it until they have left you...alone. Devotion puts you in a place where you will be treated as an object, you are no longer considered a human.
I've been opening up to God a lot more so I can say all this and actually know it's a lie. I know I was made to live devoted to God. That a passion inside of me is fulfilled when I live for him. I was created for the very reason to glorify him. And I can say with more honesty than before that God loves me. The lie that I've believed about getting sucked in and used is actually what the enemy tries to do to us every minute of every day.
It is up to me to choose to believe God when he says "I have plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future, not to harm you."
There is this song that Chris Aquila sings called "come Away" and it is a song that makes me feel like it is God calling me.
There's a voice inside me that says "God doesn't care. He used love to draw you in, but after you've experienced that you are suppose to work for the "cause" and obey. I mean, souls are waiting on the otherside of your obedience. They're gonna go to hell if you don't suck in all that mushy crap and just obey. You're just gonna look like a fool to God being all sappy. He won't say anything about how annoying it is because if he lets you believe you are in this awesome love then you will do whatever he says and you'll get the job done."
And I start believing. After a while of living with that thought I hear someone talk about David and how honest he is with God in Psalms or I see someone during worship just talking about how God loves us soo much. I think "How is it like this? No, no he doesn't love me. Well, he doesn't love me as much as they're talking about."
I believe it's a scam. All this love stuff is just a rouse to get us to do whatever he wants. Have you seen a woman in love with someone that actually doesn't love her back? She does the craziest things, women have killed for the man they love, they have devoted their whole life to his comfort and pleasure while they have nothing. All they get in return is abuse. The only thing I've seen for examples in my life is when you devote your whole life to something it's all false. The guy doesn't love you, he actually thinks of you as less than an animal. Your job fires you a year before you can retire and get benefits. You're used to destroy lives because the person you've devoted yourself to is too lazy to get his hands dirty.
When it comes down to it, if you let yourself be devoted, you get screwed over and you don't realize it because you are so blinded by your love, or passion, that you don't see it until they have left you...alone. Devotion puts you in a place where you will be treated as an object, you are no longer considered a human.
I've been opening up to God a lot more so I can say all this and actually know it's a lie. I know I was made to live devoted to God. That a passion inside of me is fulfilled when I live for him. I was created for the very reason to glorify him. And I can say with more honesty than before that God loves me. The lie that I've believed about getting sucked in and used is actually what the enemy tries to do to us every minute of every day.
It is up to me to choose to believe God when he says "I have plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future, not to harm you."
There is this song that Chris Aquila sings called "come Away" and it is a song that makes me feel like it is God calling me.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Bloody Sacrifices!!!
For the Redline Conference we were given a dozen goats to slaughter and to spray their blood on banners that would be on display in our lobby..... at least this is what we said happened.
Really, Christopher wanted us to splatter red paint on these black banners to make it look like blood, since Redline is about Jesus' sacrifice. By the end of the "slaughter" we were covered in red paint. I actually didn't know we were doing that until that morning AFTER we got to the church so I had to run to Salvation Army and buy new pants and a new t-shirt.
The conference went really well. I was very tired and sore by the end of it. Splattering paint for an hour, running around, on your feet all day, and then being pushed to limit during worship to give your all, just in a day's work at Dibor.
Really, Christopher wanted us to splatter red paint on these black banners to make it look like blood, since Redline is about Jesus' sacrifice. By the end of the "slaughter" we were covered in red paint. I actually didn't know we were doing that until that morning AFTER we got to the church so I had to run to Salvation Army and buy new pants and a new t-shirt.
The conference went really well. I was very tired and sore by the end of it. Splattering paint for an hour, running around, on your feet all day, and then being pushed to limit during worship to give your all, just in a day's work at Dibor.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Forgiveness Can Uncover Deep Wounds You've Ignored
Today I forgave some more people in my life. It was cool I was looking at them in my mind and how I felt about them and it was like these dead stacks of corral, like the tubes of corral, and then the image just faded away and i didn't really see another image but like this feeling, like an aroma, but I didn't smell anything but it was like then sense of it's presence, was there and it was pouring in from the other parts of my life that God has been filling up with his spirit. It's been pretty easy to forgive people up to this point, but now I'm still dealing with some of the pain and dealing with the wanting to protect myself.
Can I believe that God can protect me all the time? Can I see the lie that I am the only one who will take care of me as a lie?
Can I believe that God can protect me all the time? Can I see the lie that I am the only one who will take care of me as a lie?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Ashta na ga..... hello tongues!
Yesterday, at 33 Live I was praying for this girl. I was asking God to help her with the walls she's built around her heart and some other things. I didn't know much about her but I knew that these things were applicable. After a couple of sentences I didn't know what else to say but I felt like I had to do something so I started doing this singing thing I do.
I've been doing this things where I sing randomn words, which I guessed were tongues because they weren't words I knew and we have the mind of Christ, so what else could it be?
So I wanted to start doing my singing thing but I just started talking. All these words that i had no idea what they meant poured out of my mouth. It wasn't like they were forcing themselves out of my mouth or like something was controlling it but like these words felt right coming out of my mouth. Like something in me knew that what I was saying was important while my brain had no idea.
At one point I wanted to start crying. Something I was saying was super important for her but since I was speaking in tongues I had no idea what it was.
Now, I'm like addicted to talking in tongues. It's fun. All these years I felt like there was something that wanted to pour out of me and i think this is what it was.
Once, someone told me that speaking in tongues doesn't determine whether you're saved or not, it doesn't mean you're any holier or more righteous, it's just like they discovered ice cream and want to share it with other Christians. And I get it now. It is fun. It doesn't make me more righteous. It's just something fun.
I've been doing this things where I sing randomn words, which I guessed were tongues because they weren't words I knew and we have the mind of Christ, so what else could it be?
So I wanted to start doing my singing thing but I just started talking. All these words that i had no idea what they meant poured out of my mouth. It wasn't like they were forcing themselves out of my mouth or like something was controlling it but like these words felt right coming out of my mouth. Like something in me knew that what I was saying was important while my brain had no idea.
At one point I wanted to start crying. Something I was saying was super important for her but since I was speaking in tongues I had no idea what it was.
Now, I'm like addicted to talking in tongues. It's fun. All these years I felt like there was something that wanted to pour out of me and i think this is what it was.
Once, someone told me that speaking in tongues doesn't determine whether you're saved or not, it doesn't mean you're any holier or more righteous, it's just like they discovered ice cream and want to share it with other Christians. And I get it now. It is fun. It doesn't make me more righteous. It's just something fun.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Servolution
The leaders had us find a way to serve two people from the church. One of them was Patty Jennings. I learned today how awesome she is. She is so cute!! The way she says things especially when she's excited is just so adorable. I hope that I can stay in contact with her long after Dibor is over. The great thing about being told to go and bless people is how blessed you get just by watching how the blessing affects the person and the relationship that develops from it. That's what I love about it. The way they talk to me after blessing them. The way they show their affection and desire to talk to me. I get to see a special part of their heart that would take a long time by other means of developing a relationship with them. I want to bless more people to have more connections this way. I think heaven will be a lot like this. You don't know the person very well but then you experience something with them and their hearts open up to you. I have so many friends at New Life that are adults, basically because of helping them. They open their hearts to me and we are genuinely happy to see each other and care about each other.
For example, the other day at church Tigger came running up to me all excited because her husband was coming back from overseas a few days earlier than she expected. You should see this woman. She talks about her husband like they just got off their honeymoon. They have 3 kids and she talks about him like they got married 2 weeks ago. She is so in love with him. And I would not have been the person she ran to, or been able to see that excitement and rejoice with her if I had not helped her move into her home. I would not have the same relationship with her if I hadn't gone to her house to watch the Superbowl. I developed this relationship with her and just by seeing her excitement when she talks to me is all I could ask for. It's so precious to me.
When you serve people and bless them you find a special place in their hearts and it is a wonderful place to be. This is kingdom culture. This is heaven on earth and it beautiful. I hope to have these kinds of relationships all over the world.
I never thought that doing practical things like this would open hearts so much. I always thought it was being a listening ear or helping them solve their problems, like emotional/relationship problems. But to my surprise people really value these kinds of things and don't take them lightly. They aren't suspicious about your motives or thinking you are faking about caring about them. It's astonishing.
For example, the other day at church Tigger came running up to me all excited because her husband was coming back from overseas a few days earlier than she expected. You should see this woman. She talks about her husband like they just got off their honeymoon. They have 3 kids and she talks about him like they got married 2 weeks ago. She is so in love with him. And I would not have been the person she ran to, or been able to see that excitement and rejoice with her if I had not helped her move into her home. I would not have the same relationship with her if I hadn't gone to her house to watch the Superbowl. I developed this relationship with her and just by seeing her excitement when she talks to me is all I could ask for. It's so precious to me.
When you serve people and bless them you find a special place in their hearts and it is a wonderful place to be. This is kingdom culture. This is heaven on earth and it beautiful. I hope to have these kinds of relationships all over the world.
I never thought that doing practical things like this would open hearts so much. I always thought it was being a listening ear or helping them solve their problems, like emotional/relationship problems. But to my surprise people really value these kinds of things and don't take them lightly. They aren't suspicious about your motives or thinking you are faking about caring about them. It's astonishing.
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