Confessions of A Fatherless Child

Authority is suppose to be a word we use for certain people and something we are suppose to "respect" but to me it's something that allows certain people to command me to do something and if I choose not to do what they say I am punished. A person in authority is no different to me than any other except that there are bigger consequences if I do not follow what that person wants.

Honestly, it means nothing else to me.

For some reason there is this expectation that we should listen and obey the ones that someone says is in charge but yet no really follows through with completely. Have you done everything your boss has told you to do? Have you complained about what the current president has done or hasn't done? Have you ever gone over the speed limit? Even by half a mile?

We defy authority all the time. Our country was built on people that defied their authority and our nation's youth have grabbed a hold of that for every part of their lives. Why do people do their jobs then? Why do they still go to work and do what their boss tells them to do even when they don't want to? You ask anyone who has a job that they work because they need the money for something. Otherwise they wouldn't be there. No one would listen to their boss if they didn't have to worry about getting fired.

For most of the people I've seen, the reasons for following authority are lies and wishful thinking. The older people do it because they've been taught since they were young. Now, we do it so we can get what we want in the end. Otherwise we leave. And the people in authority give a bunch of reasons because if we didn't believe them then no one would do what they want.

Am I wrong about this? Perhaps. I know the bible disagrees. But this is what the fatherless generation has been left to. You slack on your job as a parent or in your position of authority and this is what you get. You screw up your job then the very people you were suppose to teach and guide will rebel against you and not listen to a word you say. People complain that the youth are out of control, but who taught them? Who left them to figure it out on their own? Because God is in my life I will probably get through this but there is a whole world of people out there that think like this and have no reason to believe otherwise.

God Just Created Me This Way!

Today I was driving with Mike back to the dorms and he loves to listen to Christopher Hopper's band so that's what we were listening to. We were singing "Heaven Meets Earth" and I had a thought. Not pertaining too much to what the song was saying but something I had thought about a few times.

Maybe I should explain the context first and then my thought because in my mind it makes total sense but what is the point in a blog if only I can understand it? So anyway, I analyze a lot. I have probably analyzed most of my world, thoughts, and experiences. I mean I observe and analyze emotions and thoughts while I am still having them, when most people will think about it after the fact.

So a few times I have analyzed the way I think and how could I think the way I do if God didn't make me this way? I mean I don't think that brilliant ideas that come from my head have nothing to do with God. I would have to work a lot harder to get these ideas. Remembering many experiences, going over things I have seen and heard, then taking out of those things what I need and then putting them all together, it wouldn't make sense for me to have a random good idea that only took a second to form when it should take hours of hard concentration to work through all the files stored in my head and decide with the right amount of wisdom what I need.

To sum it up, I can't really create anything without God's help.

So then as I was singing "heaven meets earth" I was looking over the problems I've had in my life and I was going to go into a rant I've thrown at God many times and say "God why didn't you put better models in my life of who you are and what your kingdom looks like." That's sort of how it starts.

But this time as I started yelling, I (or maybe it was God) was like "Adele, that's right, you shouldn't be this way. Look at how your life was growing up. You shouldn't be as smart as you are. Look at all the wisdom you've received without all the experience most people have to go through to know what you know. You've been to China. God wants you to go to Japan. With your life, this wouldn't be your future. God has invested a lot in you. Look at what he's given you and the way he is leading you into his plans. You are blessed. He's been preparing you, training you, molding you, and he's invested a lot into you."

It's a pretty awesome thing when you actually understand this. All my life people have said these things are a blessing and such but I think I've been too familiar with them and I've wanted blessings others have had. It's kind of like a 6 year old who's given an iPhone. They have no idea what the cost of that iPhone is or what it took to get the money to buy it. They can't appreciate all the things that can be accessed and used in an iPhone.

I am not a 6 year old in this area of understanding my blessings. I am a 20 year old that has continued to see my blessings through the eyes and understanding of a 6 year old.

I had a great time with God yesterday. For the first time I was open enough to have a conversation with him. Usually I rant about things or just say "what do you want to tell me" and then just listen to the silence. But, at least for now, God talked kind of like he was a second "me". Like when I would say "I don't understand this" and I would sort of hear myself give me an explanation or I would see a picture that would explain it to me. Normally,I would think this was me counseling or teaching myself but I see now that it has been God this whole time. Even though I don't hear a voice that sounds like a man in my head I know that it is God speaking to me in a way that I can easily understand and not get weirded out, 'cause if I did have a man's voice in my head I might start thinking I was schizophrenic and not think it was God.

One cool thing is that when I talk to someone and they are responding to me I start thinking of what I want to say next or I stop talking and then continue what I also want to say in my head. But with God I am talking to him in my head already. So I can't ask him something and then start thinking something else while I am waiting for him to respond. It was sort of a comical moment.

So I have learned to hear God in this one way. I know that when I think of things that take all of 2 seconds to think of most of the time it is God, not me. It is God giving me that piece of wisdom or that random idea.

Maybe I should rename my blog to something that has to do with a daughter getting to know her father. I probably won't because it might cause confusion if someone is trying to find my blog and they don't know the name is changed. Plus, it'd probably get complicated so I will keep it this way.

P.S
Thank you to all the people who have been reading my blog and really thank you for the people who have commented. I write these things to share with you and it is so cool to hear your responses. It's really encouraging, otherwise I feel like I am just talking to a wall, LOL ^_^

Lima, My Home Away From Home...... In A Way

So we are in Lima for the Saturate conference at Elim Gospel Church. I love the conference but the thing that is affecting me a lot is being around where all the Campus Target people are. It makes me miss China more and it makes me really miss the community I had with CT'ers in China. I want to be in China so bad right now. I got to see little Maia!! She's so adorable! I don't know if I have ever met a baby that I connected with so fast before.I just look in her eyes and I want to be her friend when she's older. I want to know who she is and what she thinks. It's funny to see a baby one time and think about it like that.

Note to the Devil

To Satan:

Why did you do this to me? What did a nine year old ever do to you that you had to reject her and make her feel like she has to fight for herself everyday of her life?

Every morning I wake up and wish that I was still asleep. I hate either what I have to do that day or hate that I feel that what I am doing has no purpose. Either way, when faced with a new day I want it to end before it begins.

I have great attributes but you told me I am lame and that I am annoying. And I believed you. You've tainted my view on everything that, I have come to learn, was suppose to be good for me. I can't trust anyone or anything. Love is something that sucks the life out of you and doesn't look back. Authority uses its power to make itself feel better. No one is here for me.

These are the things you have drummed into my head and beaten my heart with. You have poisoned me with this mantra since I was a small, defenseless child that had no choice but to believe you. And I hate what you have done to me.

Now, I have to spend the rest of my life fighting these thoughts and feelings that should not have been dumped into a child. You piss me off, you make me pissed at myself, you make me pissed off at people who have done nothing to deserve anger towards them, you make me pissed at people I need to be loving.

You hate me. You hate the one that created us. But how could you think you could be better than Him when HE made you and all of this and all you can do is destroy? I hate what you have done to us, I hate what you've done to me.

I can't understand your thinking. Even if you went based on solid logic there is no way you can achieve your desired goal. That alone would make anyone back off. You are evil and you have done horrible things to my brothers and sisters and the rest of the world.

Why? Why would you do this? Are you so bent on hurting God that this doesn't affect you? That the reality of what you are doing doesn't reach you? Do you not have a heart? A conscious?

Maybe you are like this because you have never experienced God's love. Would that make a difference? I realize God has made us differently so the way you function is not the same as us humans. But I know that who God is is not deniable.I may have been writing this out of ignorance but I know that what the bible has said who God is more than you will ever be. You will not be able to stop His will. I can not relate to you because I am loved by Him. I wish there was something I could do or say to you that would make you stop what you are doing. I wish you had a heart I could have compassion on but I don't know if you have a heart or if there is anything to have compassion on in you.

I am sorry you decided this. And if by some way you wanted to change I would be the first to want to be there for it, because Jesus or God would have to do it because I would not be strong enough. I am not doing this for any reason than that God made me this way. I don't want anyone to be left out. God made you and I don't think you were made for this purpose, just like I wasn't made to live in unbelief, loneliness, and separation from Him.

So think about it. Go and have a chat with God.I know you've done it because you talked to Him about Job.

Sincerely Not Yours but Abba's,
Adele

Job Search: Complete

So when I came here I needed a job to pay for my tuition. I was starting to get stressed about it. And I talked to God and said, "If you want me here you will make sure I get what I need to stay here."

The next day Christopher Hopper told me about this lady who has a jewelry line that is taking off and she needs some helpers. BAM! One job.

Then the day after I got the job at the jewelry place, the store at the mall that I had been trying to get a job at called and asked if I would come in and start working. BAM! Two jobs!!

It's pretty amazing how God works when you realize you've never been able to do it and you put it in His hands.

A Revelation from Russel Crowe

Today I watched A Beautiful Mind starring Russel Crowe, who by the way is an incredible actor. The character in this movie is like a math genius but his mind starts to get messed up and he starts to see people who aren't there. And so after he realizes that there is this little girl he keeps seeing, that he thinks exists, he starts to notice she doesn't get older, she looks exactly the same way he had seen her several years ago. So in his attempt to be "normal" he ignores the people, he has come to find out, do not exist. Even years and years after he has started to ignore them they are still there.

So what does this have to do with anything? What does this have to do with Dibor?

Well, aren't these people that were created in this man's mind similar to the Enemy? He feeds us lies that God doesn't like us and that we are capable of nothing. Doesn't he set up these false ideas in our heads that aren't true and are not reality? And even when we try to ignore these illusions they are still there.

But like the character I choose to live without acknowledging that the Enemy's illusions are reality. Will you join me?

But before we start ignoring them first we need to identify what is reality and what are lies.

I am a daughter of God. He loves me and nothing I do will make Him stop or be disappointed in me. I am an heir to God's kingdom and I have the same authority Jesus has.

Sin has no control or power over me. I am living a life of victory, not in condemnation.

So what do I not listen to? What do I regard as falsity?

When that voice in your head says "You did it again! You have to be better than that. What are they going to think of you now? Don't tell them, you have to pretend you are better than you are because all they are going to do is rip into you. No one accepts you for who you are. You have to pretend to make it through."

You have to tell yourself "No! God is the ultimate authority and he knows everything I have done wrong and accepts me anyway. He still says "you are precious to me and I want you to love me." You are not a prince/princess that cowers at the same ones you have the power to rule over.

That is what I learned today. I would love to be able to talk more about this, because I have had such a hard time with this. But I don't know where you are and I don't know what's been holding you down. But I do know that even if you don't know if God loves you right now or what He thinks, I know He is saying "Trust me. Just trust me." Forget about the ands ifs or buts and choose to trust because that is the only way to accept love when you've been hurt, when you've been let down.

Just Trust.

I knew the only way to get closer was to trust God and give him control.

But I didn't want to. I don't want to release control to anybody else, because then how will I know I'm protected? Who will cover me when I am attacked?

So I started getting pissed. Getting pissed at the authority around me. Getting pissed when they told me to do something. When someone treated me in a way I didn't feel like I deserved, I got pissed. Everything in me wanted to lash out at every little thing I disliked. I wanted to rebel against the very things I came here to do.

Finally, I got enough strength to talk to God and admit that I've been wrong. I just asked him to comfort me and to protect me from the enemy. I needed time to just work through what I needed to do and to be open to God and I did NOT need the enemy to be pouring lies in my head.

And all I heard from God was "Trust me. Trust." When I don't want to do something or I feel uncomfortable doing something God wants me to trust him. Just trust him.So that is what is going to motivate me.

Lately, I've been doing things out of fear. I don't want to do something but I do it so I don't get in trouble or get in an argument, and possibly get into more trouble. But instead of doing everything out of fear I will do it as an act of trust.

I will trust that God wants me to do it and that I will not be hurt by it. I will trust Him.