Cravings

Don't you just love that feeling when you have an intense craving for something, maybe food, and you get to quench it? When that piece of chocolate melts in your mouth or when that steak hits the spot. It's like that song is playing in the background "Na na na, I feeel good, na na na, I knew that I would! I feeeel good!"

Have you noticed how many different cravings there are? Cravings for food, cravings for attention, or for love. We all have them, some on a regular basis. Some are just little cravings we feel now and then and some dictate our lives. For example, some days I have a craving for chocolate, a hamburger, or even for milk ^_^ While my craving for someone to be intimate with dictates my whole life. I search for people that I can be very close to. I choose to pursue God to fill this craving for intimacy. So sometimes our cravings take a long time to relieve and sometimes it is as simple as a glass of milk.

This month is called "Burn Month" at New Life Christian Church. This is a time for us to fast a certain thing in our lives that we depend on or anything that distracts us from personal time with God. Everyone from Dibor living at the dorms is doing a Daniel Fast, which is only eating vegetables and fruit. While I, on the other hand, am fasting non-Christian music. I am already fasting watching movies while I am by myself for the rest of the semester. And I have to tell you, my world has quieted down A LOT since I stopped watching movies in my spare time. I've definitely had a lot of growth in my relationship with God because I can't get through things without using the TV as my escape from reality. And since I don't have that to fill me up or comfort me the only thing strong enough to get me through struggle is God.

I'm challenging myself in other ways, too, so having all of this at once is really getting me stressed out. I'm definitely better than I would think because right now the main things that I rely on I am denying myself. So think of your favorite comfort food or maybe for you it is watching TV, whatever makes you relaxed, whatever gives you a break in times of busyness or stress. Now imagine key issues in your life that God is calling you out on, it doesn't feel good, you might even be hurting those around you because of the way you are reacting to it, AND YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT ONE THING YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD TO KEEP YOU COMFORT! Basically.... it's hard and not too motivational.

Will it be good for me? Yes. Will it bring me closer to God if I let it? Yes. Is it crappy and I'd rather run away from it? Most definitely!! But God loves me too much to allow me to run away from it for long. I heard someone say once "God loves you exactly the way you are but He loves you too much to let you stay that way." And when I am not being selfish and self-absorbed I am really thankful that He does that for me and that He's so faithful, too. I mean, I scream at Him and ask Him why He is letting me go through this and He's probably saying "But you are so much more like Adele when you are like Me" and then when I eventually submit to the process,come out on the other side, and thank Him for it and give Him the glory for taking me through it and bringing me out of it.

This week we had a speaker teach 2 days of class, his name is Penn Clark, and he was telling us that when God brought the Israelites out into the desert, after coming out of Egypt, the trip to the promise land would've only taken 2 weeks but God had them wandering for 40 years! And God said "I took you through the wilderness to work out of you the things that would've hurt you in the promise land. It would've killed you, because you would've forgotten me."

How big is that? God is putting me through this time that in my mind I think is torture when it's really just to get rid of the bad stuff that would actually be hurting me in the promise land! How loving is that?!

Like, if you were going to teach a kid how to be potty trained and all they thought you were doing was torturing them and that by making them sit on a seat to go to the bathroom was unnecessary and they sobbed "Why are you doing this to me?" What would your reaction be?? I would stand there staring at them and say "Seriously?" I would be so amazed that they would take a simple daily skill and believe that I am trying to torture them and I enjoying it when all their crying is pissing me off. I mean, I'm trying to teach them something that is basic and essential to everyday life, and it would save them from embarrassment as they got older.

And the things that God takes us through and the things He wants us to give up for Him are really things that are hurting us and keeping us from living a full life. And we cry and ask Him "Why?" when He is doing something really awesome by trying to teach us these basics of life and He walks us through the WHOLE thing!

I would tell that kid that he can go ahead and pee himself for the rest of his life if he thinks I'm trying to be mean to him for the fun of it. If he was going to not appreciate what I was trying to do for him and complain about it, I would get fed up and just stop even trying.

But isn't it great that God doesn't give up? When we try to run away, when we ignore that there's even a problem, when we yell at Him, when we try to rebel. He's there waiting for your heart to turn to Him. He's just waiting for the opportunity to show more of Himself to you and for you to expose your heart to Him.

Um... Writing My Blog Last Minute Again

So there's been a lot this past week. To sum it up:

-Watched Braveheart (for class!)
-Had a great encounter with the Father. He told me me how much He loved me and how much I was wanted by Him
- A great man at a church passed away, Mr. Rodriguez. I really liked him from the small interaction I had with him
-Pastor Christopher taught our class the last 2 days and today we talked about the difference between prayer and prophesy
Jesus:
- Heard from the Father
-Spoke what the Father spoke
-And contended for breakthrough

So I have to go to bed now so this was as much of a glimpse as I can share but I will devote more time in my blogs from now on. SO anticipate it!!

The Ninevites Didn't Slap People With Fish??

So while I am writing this blog I am listening to The Afters' "Never going back to okay" which is like my theme song for what God has been trying to get me to start doing and the theme song for today.

Jacob Milea spoke the last 3 days for class and today we talked about Sampson, who had a call on his life but never included God in it until he had no where else to go. Then, we talked about Jonah, who we all know ran away from what God was calling him to do, which was tell the gospel to the Ninevites. Now, you can go your whole life hearing this story and writing Jonah off as a punk who just wanted to do his own thing and the people who watched Veggie Tales think the Ninevites slapped people with fish. Though it is true Jonah was being a selfish punk, we don't realize IF anyone had the right to complain it was Jonah. I won't go into the details of what Jacob explained to us how the Ninevites treated the people they attacked but let's just say that if I city knew the Ninevites were going to attack them, they would just commit mass suicide. The Ninevites were a monstrocity, they did really awful things it would be better to die peacefully than try to defend against the Ninevites.

And how big is that?? We know that Jesus endured torture and ridicule and died so that we could be saved, which is so awesome we can't even understand the hugeness of that fact. And God, back in Old Testement times, decided that these wicked people would get wiped out, but IF.... IF they turned to Him they could be saved. AND THEY DID!! Like how amazing is that?!?! There are several kings in the bible that God speaks through a prophet and says "You are totally going against me, I'm going tear down everything in your life and you are gonna die!" And these kings are like "Uh, i hate you!" (But to me whe I read it sometimes it sounds like there response is "Yeah, lets see you try.")

But anyway, these Ninevites, these evil vile people you want to see dead, God says "I'm gonna destroy them, but if they turn their hearts to me I will receive them and I want them to be part of my Kingdom." How amazing! God is a much bigger person than I am, definitely. If I watched someone do the things they did I would want to puke my guts out and die. I wouldn't be able to even handle seeing it, let alone loving them so much to go to them and give them the opportunity for life for eternity.

So today God reminded me how much I live for my comfort and how I believe things should be. Thank you God for showing me the parts of me you want to chisel off of me to show more of you. And my perspective of Jonah has changed, even though he still should've been obedient, as should I.

So what are fighting God on?

What are you running away from that God wants you to do?

Why Do I Blog???

I haven't written anything recently, as you can tell. But I haven't been writing in my journal or anything. I'm not exactly sure what the reason is because I've been going through a lot. God has been changing my perspective on life... a lot.

I think I like writing about what I'm going through and what I'm thinking because it feels like in the movies when the main character is doing an inner monologue. I guess I like the idea of writing what I'm thinking and feeling and showing people my world.

So maybe lately I haven't wanted to share what I am going through or something. It's not like I'm depressed and I don't want anyone to know, it's just... maybe I don't know how to talk about what I'm going through. I know what's happening, I know what this process is from hearing what other, more experienced Christians have gone through in their own personal walk with God.

Though I'm still not ready to write it all down. I will sometime soon when things have been sifted through enough. The whole purpose for my blog really isn't for myself. My inner monologue is enough for just me to listen to, but I want to blog for someone who's curious about what others go through, wondering how to get through something, or just knowing there is someone who can relate to what they're going through. That's the reason. Because even though at Dibor we are required to blog once a week, if I had no other reason to do it then my blog would be simply about something I did that week and how I felt about it. No reflections, no transparency, nothing of substance.

So I hope you respond to my blogs, whoever is reading it. 'Cause what's the point in a blog if no one reads it, right? And if I'm writing stuff that doesn't make sense or is confusing then what am I doing? Just taking up space on the internet. So I hope this does something for you ^_^

Confessions of A Fatherless Child

Authority is suppose to be a word we use for certain people and something we are suppose to "respect" but to me it's something that allows certain people to command me to do something and if I choose not to do what they say I am punished. A person in authority is no different to me than any other except that there are bigger consequences if I do not follow what that person wants.

Honestly, it means nothing else to me.

For some reason there is this expectation that we should listen and obey the ones that someone says is in charge but yet no really follows through with completely. Have you done everything your boss has told you to do? Have you complained about what the current president has done or hasn't done? Have you ever gone over the speed limit? Even by half a mile?

We defy authority all the time. Our country was built on people that defied their authority and our nation's youth have grabbed a hold of that for every part of their lives. Why do people do their jobs then? Why do they still go to work and do what their boss tells them to do even when they don't want to? You ask anyone who has a job that they work because they need the money for something. Otherwise they wouldn't be there. No one would listen to their boss if they didn't have to worry about getting fired.

For most of the people I've seen, the reasons for following authority are lies and wishful thinking. The older people do it because they've been taught since they were young. Now, we do it so we can get what we want in the end. Otherwise we leave. And the people in authority give a bunch of reasons because if we didn't believe them then no one would do what they want.

Am I wrong about this? Perhaps. I know the bible disagrees. But this is what the fatherless generation has been left to. You slack on your job as a parent or in your position of authority and this is what you get. You screw up your job then the very people you were suppose to teach and guide will rebel against you and not listen to a word you say. People complain that the youth are out of control, but who taught them? Who left them to figure it out on their own? Because God is in my life I will probably get through this but there is a whole world of people out there that think like this and have no reason to believe otherwise.

God Just Created Me This Way!

Today I was driving with Mike back to the dorms and he loves to listen to Christopher Hopper's band so that's what we were listening to. We were singing "Heaven Meets Earth" and I had a thought. Not pertaining too much to what the song was saying but something I had thought about a few times.

Maybe I should explain the context first and then my thought because in my mind it makes total sense but what is the point in a blog if only I can understand it? So anyway, I analyze a lot. I have probably analyzed most of my world, thoughts, and experiences. I mean I observe and analyze emotions and thoughts while I am still having them, when most people will think about it after the fact.

So a few times I have analyzed the way I think and how could I think the way I do if God didn't make me this way? I mean I don't think that brilliant ideas that come from my head have nothing to do with God. I would have to work a lot harder to get these ideas. Remembering many experiences, going over things I have seen and heard, then taking out of those things what I need and then putting them all together, it wouldn't make sense for me to have a random good idea that only took a second to form when it should take hours of hard concentration to work through all the files stored in my head and decide with the right amount of wisdom what I need.

To sum it up, I can't really create anything without God's help.

So then as I was singing "heaven meets earth" I was looking over the problems I've had in my life and I was going to go into a rant I've thrown at God many times and say "God why didn't you put better models in my life of who you are and what your kingdom looks like." That's sort of how it starts.

But this time as I started yelling, I (or maybe it was God) was like "Adele, that's right, you shouldn't be this way. Look at how your life was growing up. You shouldn't be as smart as you are. Look at all the wisdom you've received without all the experience most people have to go through to know what you know. You've been to China. God wants you to go to Japan. With your life, this wouldn't be your future. God has invested a lot in you. Look at what he's given you and the way he is leading you into his plans. You are blessed. He's been preparing you, training you, molding you, and he's invested a lot into you."

It's a pretty awesome thing when you actually understand this. All my life people have said these things are a blessing and such but I think I've been too familiar with them and I've wanted blessings others have had. It's kind of like a 6 year old who's given an iPhone. They have no idea what the cost of that iPhone is or what it took to get the money to buy it. They can't appreciate all the things that can be accessed and used in an iPhone.

I am not a 6 year old in this area of understanding my blessings. I am a 20 year old that has continued to see my blessings through the eyes and understanding of a 6 year old.

I had a great time with God yesterday. For the first time I was open enough to have a conversation with him. Usually I rant about things or just say "what do you want to tell me" and then just listen to the silence. But, at least for now, God talked kind of like he was a second "me". Like when I would say "I don't understand this" and I would sort of hear myself give me an explanation or I would see a picture that would explain it to me. Normally,I would think this was me counseling or teaching myself but I see now that it has been God this whole time. Even though I don't hear a voice that sounds like a man in my head I know that it is God speaking to me in a way that I can easily understand and not get weirded out, 'cause if I did have a man's voice in my head I might start thinking I was schizophrenic and not think it was God.

One cool thing is that when I talk to someone and they are responding to me I start thinking of what I want to say next or I stop talking and then continue what I also want to say in my head. But with God I am talking to him in my head already. So I can't ask him something and then start thinking something else while I am waiting for him to respond. It was sort of a comical moment.

So I have learned to hear God in this one way. I know that when I think of things that take all of 2 seconds to think of most of the time it is God, not me. It is God giving me that piece of wisdom or that random idea.

Maybe I should rename my blog to something that has to do with a daughter getting to know her father. I probably won't because it might cause confusion if someone is trying to find my blog and they don't know the name is changed. Plus, it'd probably get complicated so I will keep it this way.

P.S
Thank you to all the people who have been reading my blog and really thank you for the people who have commented. I write these things to share with you and it is so cool to hear your responses. It's really encouraging, otherwise I feel like I am just talking to a wall, LOL ^_^

Lima, My Home Away From Home...... In A Way

So we are in Lima for the Saturate conference at Elim Gospel Church. I love the conference but the thing that is affecting me a lot is being around where all the Campus Target people are. It makes me miss China more and it makes me really miss the community I had with CT'ers in China. I want to be in China so bad right now. I got to see little Maia!! She's so adorable! I don't know if I have ever met a baby that I connected with so fast before.I just look in her eyes and I want to be her friend when she's older. I want to know who she is and what she thinks. It's funny to see a baby one time and think about it like that.