"I am tired!" and random God thoughts

I have probably said "I am tired" literally a hundred times this past week. Between not getting enough sleep, PT (physical training), early PT at 4 am, daily tasks, God intervention, crying, and mostly eating fruits and vegetables (which probably isn't a part of it but I like to put the blame on it)I am exhausted. And the world keeps on spinning.

Anyway, in my spare time I like to think of random things. One thing I thought of recently was: what if time isn't the thing that is moving but we are, in some way we can't imagine, let alone comprehend?

And allowing God to change you is like having a knife at your chest and you struggle to pull it away and when you let go, right as it pierces your skin it becomes a big fluffy cloud inside of you.

Cravings

Don't you just love that feeling when you have an intense craving for something, maybe food, and you get to quench it? When that piece of chocolate melts in your mouth or when that steak hits the spot. It's like that song is playing in the background "Na na na, I feeel good, na na na, I knew that I would! I feeeel good!"

Have you noticed how many different cravings there are? Cravings for food, cravings for attention, or for love. We all have them, some on a regular basis. Some are just little cravings we feel now and then and some dictate our lives. For example, some days I have a craving for chocolate, a hamburger, or even for milk ^_^ While my craving for someone to be intimate with dictates my whole life. I search for people that I can be very close to. I choose to pursue God to fill this craving for intimacy. So sometimes our cravings take a long time to relieve and sometimes it is as simple as a glass of milk.

This month is called "Burn Month" at New Life Christian Church. This is a time for us to fast a certain thing in our lives that we depend on or anything that distracts us from personal time with God. Everyone from Dibor living at the dorms is doing a Daniel Fast, which is only eating vegetables and fruit. While I, on the other hand, am fasting non-Christian music. I am already fasting watching movies while I am by myself for the rest of the semester. And I have to tell you, my world has quieted down A LOT since I stopped watching movies in my spare time. I've definitely had a lot of growth in my relationship with God because I can't get through things without using the TV as my escape from reality. And since I don't have that to fill me up or comfort me the only thing strong enough to get me through struggle is God.

I'm challenging myself in other ways, too, so having all of this at once is really getting me stressed out. I'm definitely better than I would think because right now the main things that I rely on I am denying myself. So think of your favorite comfort food or maybe for you it is watching TV, whatever makes you relaxed, whatever gives you a break in times of busyness or stress. Now imagine key issues in your life that God is calling you out on, it doesn't feel good, you might even be hurting those around you because of the way you are reacting to it, AND YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT ONE THING YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD TO KEEP YOU COMFORT! Basically.... it's hard and not too motivational.

Will it be good for me? Yes. Will it bring me closer to God if I let it? Yes. Is it crappy and I'd rather run away from it? Most definitely!! But God loves me too much to allow me to run away from it for long. I heard someone say once "God loves you exactly the way you are but He loves you too much to let you stay that way." And when I am not being selfish and self-absorbed I am really thankful that He does that for me and that He's so faithful, too. I mean, I scream at Him and ask Him why He is letting me go through this and He's probably saying "But you are so much more like Adele when you are like Me" and then when I eventually submit to the process,come out on the other side, and thank Him for it and give Him the glory for taking me through it and bringing me out of it.

This week we had a speaker teach 2 days of class, his name is Penn Clark, and he was telling us that when God brought the Israelites out into the desert, after coming out of Egypt, the trip to the promise land would've only taken 2 weeks but God had them wandering for 40 years! And God said "I took you through the wilderness to work out of you the things that would've hurt you in the promise land. It would've killed you, because you would've forgotten me."

How big is that? God is putting me through this time that in my mind I think is torture when it's really just to get rid of the bad stuff that would actually be hurting me in the promise land! How loving is that?!

Like, if you were going to teach a kid how to be potty trained and all they thought you were doing was torturing them and that by making them sit on a seat to go to the bathroom was unnecessary and they sobbed "Why are you doing this to me?" What would your reaction be?? I would stand there staring at them and say "Seriously?" I would be so amazed that they would take a simple daily skill and believe that I am trying to torture them and I enjoying it when all their crying is pissing me off. I mean, I'm trying to teach them something that is basic and essential to everyday life, and it would save them from embarrassment as they got older.

And the things that God takes us through and the things He wants us to give up for Him are really things that are hurting us and keeping us from living a full life. And we cry and ask Him "Why?" when He is doing something really awesome by trying to teach us these basics of life and He walks us through the WHOLE thing!

I would tell that kid that he can go ahead and pee himself for the rest of his life if he thinks I'm trying to be mean to him for the fun of it. If he was going to not appreciate what I was trying to do for him and complain about it, I would get fed up and just stop even trying.

But isn't it great that God doesn't give up? When we try to run away, when we ignore that there's even a problem, when we yell at Him, when we try to rebel. He's there waiting for your heart to turn to Him. He's just waiting for the opportunity to show more of Himself to you and for you to expose your heart to Him.

Um... Writing My Blog Last Minute Again

So there's been a lot this past week. To sum it up:

-Watched Braveheart (for class!)
-Had a great encounter with the Father. He told me me how much He loved me and how much I was wanted by Him
- A great man at a church passed away, Mr. Rodriguez. I really liked him from the small interaction I had with him
-Pastor Christopher taught our class the last 2 days and today we talked about the difference between prayer and prophesy
Jesus:
- Heard from the Father
-Spoke what the Father spoke
-And contended for breakthrough

So I have to go to bed now so this was as much of a glimpse as I can share but I will devote more time in my blogs from now on. SO anticipate it!!

The Ninevites Didn't Slap People With Fish??

So while I am writing this blog I am listening to The Afters' "Never going back to okay" which is like my theme song for what God has been trying to get me to start doing and the theme song for today.

Jacob Milea spoke the last 3 days for class and today we talked about Sampson, who had a call on his life but never included God in it until he had no where else to go. Then, we talked about Jonah, who we all know ran away from what God was calling him to do, which was tell the gospel to the Ninevites. Now, you can go your whole life hearing this story and writing Jonah off as a punk who just wanted to do his own thing and the people who watched Veggie Tales think the Ninevites slapped people with fish. Though it is true Jonah was being a selfish punk, we don't realize IF anyone had the right to complain it was Jonah. I won't go into the details of what Jacob explained to us how the Ninevites treated the people they attacked but let's just say that if I city knew the Ninevites were going to attack them, they would just commit mass suicide. The Ninevites were a monstrocity, they did really awful things it would be better to die peacefully than try to defend against the Ninevites.

And how big is that?? We know that Jesus endured torture and ridicule and died so that we could be saved, which is so awesome we can't even understand the hugeness of that fact. And God, back in Old Testement times, decided that these wicked people would get wiped out, but IF.... IF they turned to Him they could be saved. AND THEY DID!! Like how amazing is that?!?! There are several kings in the bible that God speaks through a prophet and says "You are totally going against me, I'm going tear down everything in your life and you are gonna die!" And these kings are like "Uh, i hate you!" (But to me whe I read it sometimes it sounds like there response is "Yeah, lets see you try.")

But anyway, these Ninevites, these evil vile people you want to see dead, God says "I'm gonna destroy them, but if they turn their hearts to me I will receive them and I want them to be part of my Kingdom." How amazing! God is a much bigger person than I am, definitely. If I watched someone do the things they did I would want to puke my guts out and die. I wouldn't be able to even handle seeing it, let alone loving them so much to go to them and give them the opportunity for life for eternity.

So today God reminded me how much I live for my comfort and how I believe things should be. Thank you God for showing me the parts of me you want to chisel off of me to show more of you. And my perspective of Jonah has changed, even though he still should've been obedient, as should I.

So what are fighting God on?

What are you running away from that God wants you to do?